Georgette's World Star Wars Movie Script Parody
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...
EPISODE 1: THE PHANTOM MENACE
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.
While the congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict....
the Jediman Cometh
INSIDE THE REPUBLIC CRUISER'S COCKPIT
The Captain and Co-pilot fly the Cruiser closer to one of the Federation's battleships.
QUI-GON: Captain.
CAPTAIN: Yes, sir?
QUI-GON: Tell them we wish to board at once.
CAPTAIN: Yes, sir. (The Captain looks to her view screen. Nute Gunray, the Neimoidian Trade Viceroy, appears). With all due respect, the Ambassadors for the Supreme Chancellor wish to board immediately.
NUTE: Yes, yes, of cooourse... ahhh... aaas you knooow, our blockaaade is peeerfectly leeegal, and we'd be haaappy to receive the Ambaaassador.
CAPTAIN: (to co-pilot) What? I didn't understand a word he was saying!
CO-PILOT: I guess he said it was "ok".
OBI-WAN: Master, I have a bad feeling about this.
Qui-Gon looks away and shakes his head.
THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S DOCKING BAY
The small cruiser docks in the main bay of the Federation battleship. The door opens, and two darkly robed figures are greeted by TC-14.
TC-14: I'm TC-14 at your service. Walk this way, please. (TC-14 begins walking away in a somewhat suggestive manner).
QUI-GON: (looking at Obi-Wan) ...Don't even think about it.
They go down the hallway, approaching a conference room.
THE CONFERENCE ROOM
A door slides open, and the two Jedi Knights are led into the formal conference room by TC-14.
TC-14: I hope you honored sirs will be most comfortable here. My master will be with you shortly. May I get you something to drink? Water, cola, Mad Dog?
OBI-WAN: (grinning) Mad Dog? Man, I haven't had that since... (looks over to see Qui-Gon glaring at him) ...uh, water will be fine.
QUI-GON: (still glaring at Obi-Wan) Yes, water will be fine.
The droid bows before Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon. He backs out the door and it closes. The Jedi lower their hoods and look out a large window at the tiny green planet of Naboo. Qui-Gon is forty-something years old, has long, light-brown hair, the top half in a ponytail, and a graying beard. He is tall and striking, with blue eyes. Obi-Wan is twenty-something, with very short brown hair, a short ponytail and small braid, blue eyes, and cute (he used to wear long, dangling earrings until Qui-Gon told him that violated the Jedi dress code).
OBI-WAN: (looking around anxiously) I have a bad feeling about this.
QUI-GON: (looks upward and sighs) I don't sense anything.
OBI-WAN: It's not about the mission, Master, it's something... elsewhere... elusive.
QUI-GON: Oh not again. Why are you feeling so anxious? Did you take your Prozac today?
OBI-WAN: Yes, Master.
QUI-GON: Well, then. Keep your concentration here and now, where it belongs.
OBI-WAN: But, Master Yoda says I should be mindful of the future...
QUI-GON: Yeah, but Master Yoda's not your psychotherapist, is he?
OBI-WAN: (holds head down) No, Master. (Pauses, then looks back up to Qui-Gon) How do you think the Trade Viceroy will deal with the Chancellor's demands?
QUI-GON: These Federation types are cowards. We just need to do a little butt-kicking around here to ensure that the negotiations will be short.
THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S BRIDGE
Nute Gunray and Daultray Dofine stand shocked before TC-14.
NUTE: What?!? What did you say?
TC-14: The Ambassadors are Jedi Knights, I believe.
DOFINE: I knew it! They were sent to force a settlement. Crap! Now what are we gonna do?
NUTE: Uh... why don't you go in there and stall them while I head for the escape pod...
DOFINE: Are you brain-dead? Fool, I ain't going in there with two Jedi! Destroy their ship, then gas those suckas and send in the battle droids to clean-up the mess!
THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S MAIN HALLWAY
A hologram of Nute, surrounded by battle droids, appears in the hallway just outside the conference room.
NUTE: They must be dead by now. Blast what's left of them.
The hologram fades away, as the door opens. A deadly yellow-green cloud billows from the room. The battle droids ready their weapons as a figure stumbles out of the smoke. It is TC-14, carrying a tray of drinks.
TC14: Oh, excuse me.
TC-14 passes by the droids. Suddenly, two flashing lightsabers fly out of the deadly fog.
BATTLE DROIDS: (in unison) OH S***!!! (Several battle droids are cut down by the Jedi before they can fire).
THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S BRIDGE
The bridge is filled with the sound of alarms. Nute and Rune watch the battle droids on the viewscreen.
BATTLE DROID: Not sure exactly what... (the droid is suddenly cut in half in mid-sentence.)
NUTE: What the heck is going on down there?
RUNE: Have you ever encountered a Jedi Knight before, sir?
NUTE: Well, not exactly, but I don't... (panicking) Seal off the bridge!
RUNE: That won't be enough, sir.
NUTE: Oh will you shut-up! I've already wet my pants I'm so scared!
RUNE: (looks down at Nute's feet) Dang, man!
The doors to the bridge slam shut.
NUTE: I want destroyer droids up here at once!!!
RUNE: We will not survive this. (turns and notices Nute glaring at him) Oops... sorry.
THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S MAIN HALLWAY - OUTSIDE THE BRIDGE
Qui-Gon cuts several battle droids in half, with sparks and metal parts flying everywhere. Obi-Wan waves his hand, crashing more battle droids into the floor. Qui-Gon makes his way to the bridge door and begins to cut through it with his lightsaber.
THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S BRIDGE
The crew nervously watch as sparks start flying through the bridge door. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are on the view screen.
NUTE: Close the blast doors!!!
The huge, very thick blast door slams shut, followed by a second door, then a third. There is a hissing sound as the huge doors seal shut. Qui-Gon pauses, then stabs the door with his lightsaber. The screen goes black as a red spot appears in the center of the blast door.
RUNE: (pointing at the door) They're still coming through!
From the door, chunks of molten metal begin to drop away.
NUTE: Impossible! This is impossible!! Now I've gotta change my clothes, AGAIN!!
RUNE: Where are those destroyer droids?!
THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S MAIN HALLWAY - OUTSIDE THE BRIDGE
Two destroyer droids roll down the hallway at full speed. Just before they get to the bridge area, they stop and transform into battle configuration. Then begin firing at the Jedi.
OBI-WAN: Destroyer droids!
QUI-GON: Well, duh!
Both Jedi use their lightsabers to deflect the destroyer droids’ blasts. Realizing it's a standoff, the Jedi run away at lightning speed to escape the droids.
THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S BRIDGE
RUNE: We have them on the run. They're no match for destroyer droids.
TEY HOW: Sir, they've gone down the ventilation shaft.
THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S MAIN BAY
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan emerge from a large vent in a giant hangar bay. They are careful not to be seen. Thousands of battle droids are preparing to be loaded onto landing craft.
QUI-GON: Battle droids.
OBI-WAN: It's an invasion army.
QUI-GON: It's an odd play for the Trade Federation. Seems like they're gonna waste more money fighting than they could ever hope to regain in taxes from that sorry little planet. We've got to warn the Naboo and contact Chancellor Valorum. Let's split up. Stow aboard separate ships and meet me down on the planet.
OBI-WAN: You were right about one thing, Master. The negotiations were short.
QUI-GON: (sarcastically) Oh, ha, ha. Very funny. Now move your little hilarious butt outta here!
OBI-WAN: Uh, yes, master.
THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S BRIDGE
TEY HOW: Sir, a transmission from the planet.
RUNE: It's Queen Amidala herself.
NUTE: At last we're getting results.
On the view screen Queen Amidala appears in her throne room, wearing an elaborate headdress and robes.
NUTE: Aaagain you come befooore me, Your Hiiighness. The Federaaation is pleased.
AMIDALA: What? Man, I can't ever understand what you're saying. Anyway, you will not be pleased when you hear what I have to say. Viceroy... your trade boycott of our planet has ended.
Nute smirks at Rune.
NUTE: I waaas not aaaware of such a faaailure.
AMIDALA: I have word that the Senate is finally voting on this blockade of yours.
NUTE: I taaake it you knooow the oooutcome. I wooonder why they booother to vote.
AMIDALA: Huh? Enough of this crap, Viceroy! I'm aware the Chancellor's Ambassadors are with you now, and that you have been commanded to reach a settlement or get your a** kicked.
NUTE: I knooow nooothing about any Ambaaassadors. You muuust be mistaaaken.
AMIDALA: Beware, Viceroy. The Federation has gone too far this time.
NUTE: Your Hiiighness, we would neeever do aaanything without the approooval of the Seeenate. You assuuume too much.
AMIDALA: (confused) What? Man, you guys really need to get an interpreter!
The Queen fades off and the view screen goes black.
RUNE: She's right, nobody else ever understands what we're saying.
NUTE: Tough! Besides we can't afford an interpreter. This attack is gonna cost us a fortune!
RUNE: Do you think she suspects an attack?
NUTE: I don't know, but we must move quickly to disrupt all communications down there.
THE NABOO PALACE THRONE ROOM
The Queen, Chief of Security Captain Panaka, handmaidens Eirtae and Sache, and Governor Sio Bibble are watching a hologram of Senator Palpatine, a seemingly unassuming, dignified, middle-aged gentleman.
PALPATINE: How could that be true? I have assurances from the Chancellor... his Ambassadors did arrive. It must be... the... get... negotiate...
The hologram of Palpatine sputters and fades away.
AMIDALA: What? Senator Palpatine?! (turns to Panaka) Man, he's starting to talk as crazy as the Trade Viceroy!
PANAKA: No, Your Highness. There must be a breakdown in communications. (Turns to his sergeant) Check the transmission generators...
BIBBLE: A malfunction?
PANAKA: It could be the Federation jamming us.
BIBBLE: A communications disruption can only mean one thing: invasion.
AMIDALA: (rolls eyes) Don't be silly, Governor. The Federation would not dare go that far.
BIBBLE: (mumbling to himself) ME silly? Can't she see that she's about to get a royal a**-whipping? Silly teenager!
PANAKA: The Senate would revoke their trade franchise and they'd be finished.
AMIDALA: We must continue to rely on negotiation, that is if we can understand what the Trade Viceroy is saying!
BIBBLE: Negotiation? We've lost all communications! And where are the Chancellor's Ambassadors? How can we negotiate? (mumbling to himself again) Silly teenager!
PANAKA: This is a dangerous situation, Your Highness. Our security volunteers will be no match against a battle-hardened Federation army. Heck, they couldn't even put down that food fight at the High School cafeteria last month!
BIBBLE: (out loud this time) Silly teenagers!
AMIDALA: (glaring at Bibble, who looks away) I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war.
Big Dudu
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This twisted version of the script was written by ~kwawin
10/31/99
