Georgette's World Star Wars Pictures Humor -- Episode I Phantom Menace Movie Script Parody
Big Dudu
NABOO SWAMP
Several landing craft slowly descend through the cloud cover of the planet. One after another the Federation warships land in the hazy swamp. Troop Transports (MTT's) emerge from the landing craft. The droid invasion force begins moving out of the swamp. A battle droid in his tank looks out at a small hologram of Rune and Nute.
RUNE: And there is no trace of the Jedi. They may have gotten onto one of your landing craft.
BATTLE DROID: If they are down here, sir, we'll find them.
Meanwhile, Qui-Gon is running through the strange landscape, glancing back to see the monstrous troop transports emerging from the mist. Animals begin to run past him in a panic. An odd frog-like creature, a Gungan called Jar Jar Binks, looks up and sees Qui-Gon and the other creatures running wildly toward him. One of the huge MTTs bears down on the Jedi like a charging tank. Jar Jar stands terrified.
JAR JAR: Oh, noooooooooo!
QUI-GON: (trying to shoo Jar Jar out of the way) Get outta the way, Fool!!
JAR JAR: (confused as usual, grabs onto Qui-Gon) AHHHHH!! Help meesa!! Help meesa!! Save meesa!!
QUI-GON: Let go, you freak!! Oh, never mind... DUCK!!!
Qui-Gon and Jar Jar fall to the ground. The transport passes overhead. Qui-Gon and Jar Jar lie still, then slowly stand, watching the war machine disappear into the mist. Jar Jar grabs Qui-Gon and hugs him.
JAR JAR: Oyi, mooie-mooie! I luv yous! (The frog-like creature kisses the Jedi).
QUI-GON: (angrily draws lightsaber) You do that again, I'll slay your slimy a**! Are you brainless? You almost got us killed!
JAR JAR: I spake.
QUI-GON: The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. George W. Bush has already proven that. Now get outta here! (Qui-Gon starts to leave and Jar Jar follows).
JAR JAR: No... no! Meesa stay! Meesa yous humble servant!
QUI-GON: (looks Jar Jar up and down, disgusted) That won't be necessary.
JAR JAR: Oh boot tis! Tis demunded byda guds. Tis a live debett, tis. Meesa culled Jaja Binkss.
In the distance, two STAPS burst out of the mist at high speed, chasing Obi-Wan.
QUI-GON: What? Look, I have no time for this now...
JAR JAR: Say what?
The two STAPS close in on Obi-Wan.
JAR JAR: Oh, nooooo! Weesa gonna... dieeee!
The two troops fire laser blasts at Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon deflects the blasts back and blows the STAPS up. Obi-Wan is exhausted and tries to catch his breath.
OBI-WAN: Pheeew! Thanks, man!
QUI-GON: What happened?
OBI-WAN: Water got in my lightsaber... it shorted out... it's not my fault!
QUI-GON: Let me guess... you forgot to turn the power off again, didn't you?
OBI-WAN: (holds head down) I'm sorry, master.
QUI-GON: (sighs and turns his back to Obi-Wan) It won't take long to recharge, but this is a lesson I hope you've learned, my young Padawan. You know, I NEVER let this happen to me when I was an apprentice.
OBI-WAN: Yes, Master. (sticks his tongue out and makes a nasty face at Qui-Gon, who suddenly turns around looking suspiciously at him. Obi-Wan quickly grins and nervously turns to Jar Jar) Uh... what the heck is this?
QUI-GON: (still looking suspiciously at Obi-Wan, convinced he was making faces behind his back) A local. Let's go, before more of those droids show up.
JAR JAR: Mure? Mure did you spake??!!
OBI-WAN: What?! What did you just call me?
QUI-GON: (to Obi-Wan) Forget about him, he's just stupid. Come on, let's go.
The Jedi start to run off. Jar Jar tries to keep up.
JAR JAR: Ex-squeeze me, but da moto grande safe place would be Otoh Gunga. Tis where I grew up. Tis safe city, a hidden city.
They all stop.
QUI-GON: A city. (Jar Jar nods his head) Can you take us there?
JAR JAR: Ahhh, well... on second taut... no, not willy.
QUI-GON: (draws lightsaber and walks over to Jar Jar) No?!
JAR JAR: Iss embarrissing, boot... my afrai my've bean banished. My forgoten der Bosses would do terrible tings to my. Terrible tings if my goen back dare.
The sound of large weapons fire is heard in the distance.
QUI-GON: You hear that?
JAR JAR: (lifts one ear, shakes head) Yeah.
QUI-GON: That is the sound of a thousand terrible things heading this way... (begins waving lightsaber in Jar Jar's face) But even THAT will pale in comparison to one minute alone with me... and this lightsaber.
OBI-WAN: (eyeing Qui-Gon) Oh Master, I do love it when you speak that way!
QUI-GON: (whispers to Obi-Wan) Later!
OBI-WAN: (walks over to Jar Jar) When they find us, they will crush us, grind us into little pieces, then blast us into oblivion!
JAR JAR: (still staring intently at lightsaber) Oh! Yousa point is well seen. Dis way! Hurry! (turns and runs into the swamp, followed by the Jedi).
Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Jar Jar approach a murky lake and stop as Jar Jar tries to catch his breath.
QUI-GON: Much farther?
JAR JAR: Weesa goen underwater, okeyday?
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan pull out a small capsule from their utility belts that fold out into breathing masks.
QUI-GON: (wading out before Obi-Wan) And this time Obi-Wan, make sure your lightsaber is turned OFF!
OBI-WAN: (makes a nasty face, sticks his tongue out at Qui-Gon) Yes, Master.
QUI-GON: (turns around quickly trying to catch Obi-Wan but after seeing him smile, turns back around, mumbling to himself) I'm gonna catch that little git one of these days.
JAR JAR: My warning yous. Gungans no liken outsiders. Don't expict a wern welcome.
OBI-WAN: Don't worry, this has not been our day for warm welcomes, has it Master?
Qui-Gon just ignores Obi-Wan and goes under the surface. Jar Jar jumps, does a double somersault with a twist, and dives into the water. Obi-Wan wades in after him.
NABOO LAKE - UNDERWATER
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan swim behind Jar Jar, who is very much at home in the water. They swim down into the murky depths. In the distance, the glow of Otoh Gunga, an underwater city made up of large bubbles, becomes more distinct. They approach one of the strange structures. Jar Jar walks magically through one of the bubble membranes, that seal behind him. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon follow.
THE OTOH GUNGA CITY SQUARE
Gungans in the square scatter when they see the strange Jedi. Four guards armed with long electro-poles ride two-legged Kaadus into the square. The guards, led by Captain Tarpals, point their lethal poles at the dripping trio.
JAR JAR: Heyo-dalee, Cap'n Tarpals... meesa back!
TARPALS: Noah gain, Jar Jar. Yousa goen tada Bosses. Yousa in big dudu this time.
OBI-WAN: (looking around, whispering to Qui-Gon) Man, this whole place is filled with these frog-faced, nonsense-talking, bell-bottom-wearing freaks!
One of the guards gives Jar Jar a slight zap with his power pole. Jar Jar jumps and moves off, followed by the two Jedi.
JAR JAR: How wude.
THE OTOH GUNGA HIGH TOWER BOARD ROOM
The Bosses' Board Room has bubble walls, with small lighted fish swimming around outside like moving stars. A long circular judge's bench filled with Gungan Officials dominates the room. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon stand facing Boss Nass, who sits on a bench higher than the others.
BOSS NASS: Yousa cannot bees hair. Dis army of mackineeks up dare tis new weesong!
QUI-GON: (confused) Huh? Uh, yeah. Look, that droid army is about to attack the Naboo. We must warn them.
BOSS NASS: Weesa no like da Naboo! Un dey no like uss-ens. Da Naboo tink day so smarty den us-ens. Day tink day brains so big.
OBI-WAN: (mumbling to Qui-Gon) Well, frog brains aren't exactly big to begin with.
BOSS NASS: Wha was dat? Speeka up!
OBI-WAN: I said, after those droids take control of the surface, they will come here and take control of you.
BOSS NASS: No, meesa no tink so. Meesa scant talkie witda Naboo, and no nutten talkie it outlaunders. Dos mackineeks no comen here! Dey not know of uss-en.
OBI-WAN: (rolls eyes, sighs impatiently) Whatever. Look, you and the Naboo form a symbiont circle. What happens to one of you will affect the other. You must understand this. Geez, maybe there is some smaller brain thing working here!
BOSS NASS: (angrily) Wha???
OBI-WAN: (looks down, shaking head) Nothing. Forget it, man.
BOSS NASS: Okie-dokie den. Weesa wish no nutten in yousa tings, outlaunder, and weesa no care-n about da Naboo.
QUI-GON: Well then, I guess we're just wasting your time. Speed us on our way.
BOSS NASS: Weesa gonna speed yousaway.
QUI-GON: We could use a ride.
BOSS NASS: Weesa give yousa una bongo. Da speedest way tooda Naboo tis goen through da planit core. Now go.
QUI-GON: (bowing down) Thank you for your help. We go in peace. (To Obi-Wan) Let's get outta here. This boss guy is really starting to piss me off.
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan turn to leave.
OBI-WAN: Master, what's a bongo? Is it that illegal smoking device you used to use back in the 70's, when you were...
QUI-GON: (nervously interrupts) Uh... umm... it's a... transport, I hope.
The Jedi notice Jar Jar in chains to one side, waiting to hear his verdict. Qui-Gon stops. Jar Jar gives him a sorry look.
JAR JAR: Daza setten yous up. Goen through da planet core is bad bombin!
QUI-GON: (stroking his beard, thinking) You don't say.
JAR JAR: Ahhh... any hep hair would be hot.
OBI-WAN: Oh no Master please, we were just about to get rid of him!
QUI-GON: (whispering to Obi-Wan) We may need some "shark bait", if we get into a jam.
Obi-Wan winks and nods at Qui-Gon.
QUI-GON: (to Boss Nass) We'll need a navigator to get us through the planet's core. This Gungan may be of help. What is to become of Jar Jar Binks here?
BOSS NASS: Binkss brokeen the nocombackie law. Hisen to be pune-ished.
QUI-GON: (glaring at Jar Jar) Yes, he should be punished... punished very, very severely... (looks back to Boss Nass) But he has been a great help to us.
BOSS NASS: Hmmm... meesa was guna pound him unto death.
Jar Jar gasps and starts trembling.
OBI-WAN: (whispers to Qui-Gon) Master, are you sure you wouldn't rather just stay and watch this?
QUI-GON: (whispering) It's tempting, but we may still need some shark bait. (To Boss Nass) We still need a navigator to get us through the planet's core. I have saved Jar Jar Binks' life. He owes me what you call a "life debt."
BOSS NASS: Binks. Yousa havena liveplay with thisen hisen?
Jar Jar nods and walks over to the Jedi.
QUI-GON: (walks over to Nass) Your gods demand that his life belongs to me now.
BOSS NASS: (upset, begins shaking head violently and slobbering everywhere, hitting Qui-Gon) Hisen live tis yos, outlauder. Begone wit him.
QUI-GON: (disgusted, looks down at slobber on his robe) Dang, man! What's the matter with you?! You sick or something?
BOSS NASS: (embarrassed) Ooops! Meesa so sorry. Allergies, ya kno.
QUI-GON: (walks up to Nass, snatches a hankerchief from the Boss' pocket, then wipes the slobber off his robe, while glaring back at Nass and walking away) Disgusting! (walks toward Obi-Wan and Jar Jar) Come on, let's get outta this slime pit!
Boss Nass lowers his head, still embarrassed.
OUTSIDE THE GUNGAN CITY - IN THE BONGO
The bongo, a strange little submarine, speeds away from the Gungan city, leaving the glow of the settlement in the distance. Obi-Wan is in the pilot's seat, as Jar Jar pretends to navigate the craft.
JAR JAR: Dis is nusen.
OBI-WAN: (upset, staring at Jar Jar) What a pathetic life form you are. (Shoves the steering control toward Jar Jar) Here... take over.
JAR JAR: (surprised, but trying to act cool) Okie-dokie. Thisin a breez. Meesa pilot bongo since little boiyo. Hey? Where weesa goen?
QUI-GON: You tell us, you're the navigator.
JAR JAR: (nervously) Oh, yah, yah... uh, letsa see... I justa needa pushin dis buton here, and...
Jar Jar pushes a button that turns the radio on. He starts feeling a little cocky, because this is one of those rare times he's pushed a button without blowing something up. He starts singing, which he can't do, so Obi-Wan tries to shut him up with some small talk.
OBI-WAN: Uh... why were you banished, Jar Jar?
JAR JAR: Tis a long tale...
OBI-WAN: Oh no (turns the radio up).
JAR JAR: ...buta small part wawdabe meesa... ooooh... aaaa... clumsy.
OBI-WAN: (turns radio off) They banished you because you're clumsy? Now that's funny! (Starts laughing).
As the little sub glides into the planet core, a large dark shape begins to follow.
JAR JAR: (ignoring Obi-Wan, still rambling on) Meesa cause-ed mabee one or duey lettal bitty axadentes... yud-say boom da gasser, un crash Der Bosses heyblibber... den banished.
Suddenly there is a loud crash, and the little craft lurches to one side. Qui-Gon looks around and sees a huge Opee Sea Killer has hooked them with its long gooey tongue.
QUI-GON: (turns back around, staring at Jar Jar) Shark bait time!
JAR JAR: (terrified, as he realizes exactly what Qui-Gon means) Uh... yousa kno, iffin yousa trow meesa out dare, dis bongo will becomin bery unstable and fillup wid wata and yousas bota will die!!
OBI-WAN: (frustrated) Hmmm... he does make a valid point, Master. (Grabs controls back from Jar Jar) Give me that!
Obi-Wan takes over the controls just as a giant Sando Aqua Monster attacks the Opee Sea Killer, which instantly releases the sub from its mouth. As the sub zooms away they see the larger set of Sando jaws, munching on the hapless Killer. The lights on the tiny injured sub begin to flicker as they cruise deeper into the core.
JAR JAR: Weesa free!
OBI-WAN: Oh shut up!
QUI-GON: (smiling, oblivious to Obi-Wan and Jar Jar) There's always a bigger fish.
FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE
Nute and Rune stand before a hologram of Darth Sidious, whose face is hidden under the hood of a long, dark robe. He is the evil mastermind behind the Naboo invasion.
NUTE: The invaaasion is on scheeedule, my Looord.
DARTH SIDIOUS: What? Oh, yes, yes. Good. I have the Senate bogged down in procedures. By the time this incident comes up for a vote, they will have no choice but to accept your control of the situation.
NUTE: The Queen haaas great faaaith the Seeenate will siiide with heeer.
DARTH SIDIOUS: What? Oh, yes, yes. Queen Amidala is young and naive, the silly teenager. You will find controlling her will not be difficult. You have done well, Viceroy.
NUTE: Thaaank you, my Looord.
DARTH SIDIOUS: You know, it's a good thing I can use the power of the Dark Side to understand what you're saying. Otherwise, I would have destroyed you long ago. Have a nice day (hologram fades away).
RUNE: What?! Was that a threat?
NUTE: Oh that. No, forget about it. He sometimes has these wild mood swings and starts saying crazy things. He's really an ok kinda guy, once you get to know him. And he's an excellent bridge player.
BONGO COCKPIT
Sparks are flying, and water is slowly leaking into the cabin. The lights in the tiny sub flicker and then go off, as the power supply weakens.
OBI-WAN: (adjusting controls) We're losing power. (Starts working with the sparking wires, while Jar Jar starts panicking).
JAR JAR: Weesa gonna die! Weesa all gonna die!
QUI-GON: Calm down Jar Jar, we're not in trouble yet.
JAR JAR: What?! Monstairs out dare! Leak'n in here, all'n sink'n, and nooooo power! You nutsen! WHEN YOUSA TINK WEESA IN TROUBLE?!?!
QUI-GON: Jar Jar, if you don't stop acting like Prissy from "Gone With the Wind", I'm going to start using certain parts of your body to plug-up the leaks in this cabin.
Jar Jar covers his mouth tightly, muffling his screams.
OBI-WAN: Power's back.
The lights flicker back on, revealing an ugly Colo Claw Fish right in front of them.
JAR JAR: (pointing at window) AHHHH!!! Monstairs back!!
The large Colo Claw Fish is surprised and rears back. The sub turns around and speeds away, with the Colo Claw Fish in hot pursuit.
JAR JAR: (hysterically) AHHHH!!! DIS IS IT!!! AHHHHHH!!! WEESA ALL DEAD!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!
QUI-GON: Enough of this crap!!
Qui-Gon punches Jar Jar out cold.
OBI-WAN: (smiling) I was wondering what took you so long to do that. Thanks.
The Colo Claw Fish leaps after the fleeing sub, as it flies over the waiting jaws of the Sando Aqua Monster. The Colo Claw Fish isn't as lucky and becomes yet another snack for the Sando.
OBI-WAN: This is not good. Jar Jar's waking up.
Jar Jar slowly regains consciousness.
JAR JAR: Weesa dead yet? Oie Boie, meesa jaw killing meesa! (Starts rubbing jaw, trying to figure out what happened). Feel like-a somebody puncha meesa... HARD! (Looks over to Obi-Wan, who looks out the side window. Looks back at Qui-Gon, who turns and looks out the back window, rubbing his knuckles. Finally turns back around, still rubbing his jaw). Oie Boie!!
QUI-GON: Obi-Wan, head for that outcropping (points to an opening to the surface).
Georgette's World
THE CITY OF THEED
The long columns of the Droid Army move down the main road of Theed, the capital city of Naboo, leading to the Queen's palace. As the Queen watches helplessly from a window in the palace, a transport carrying Nute and Rune lands in the city plaza. They exit the transport as proud conquerors.
NUTE: Ah, victory!
RUNE: Yeah, we are gonna be partying tonite! (Starts disco dancing with Nute).
NABOO LAKE
Billowing clouds frame a romantic body of water. There is a loud rush of bubbles and the small bongo bobs to the surface. Obi-Wan switches off the bubble canopies. Qui-Gon stands up to look around, then realizes something.
QUI-GON: Hmmm.... this canopy is made of the same material as the bubble structures in the Gungan city. (Looks at Obi-Wan) Which means, if we had thrown Jar Jar out earlier, water would NOT have flooded the sub... (looks at Jar Jar) which means this lying Gungan tricked us. (Draws lightsaber) Which means he must be punished... punished very, very severely!
OBI-WAN: Oh yes, do it Master! Do it now!
Jar Jar quickly jumps out of the sub and starts swimming away frantically, only to look back and see Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan laughing while pointing at him. He realizes that he has just been tricked. Just glad to be alive, Jar Jar lets out a sigh of relief.
The Queen and I
Part One
Part ThreeBack Home to Georgette's World Star Wars Pictures Humor
