Georgette's World Star Wars Pictures Humor -- Episode I Phantom Menace Movie Script Parody
A Boy Called Annie
MOS ESPA - JUNK DEALER PLAZA
The group comes to a little plaza surrounded by several junk spaceship dealers.
QUI-GON: We'll try one of the smaller dealers.
They head for a little junk shop that has a huge pile of broken spaceships stacked up behind it.
WATTO'S JUNK SHOP
Qui-Gon, Jar Jar, Padme and R2-D2 enter the dingy junk shop and are greeted by Watto, a disgusting little blue creature who flies on short little wings like a hummingbird.
WATTO: (subtitled) Hi chuba da naga? ("Good day to you. What do you want?")
QUI-GON: I need parts for a J-type 327 Nubian.
WATTO: Ah yes. Nubian. We have lots of that. (subtitled) Peedenkel! Naba dee unko ("Boy, get in here, now!")
QUI-GON: My droid here has a readout of what I need.
A disheveled boy named Anakin Skywalker runs in from the junkyard. He is about nine years old and dressed in old clothes.
WATTO: (subtitled) Coona tee-tocky malia? ("What took you so long?")
ANAKIN: (subtitled) Mel tassa cho-passa... ("I was cleaning the fan switches")
WATTO: (subtitled) Chut-Chut! Ganda doe wallya. ("Nevermind! Watch the store") Me dwana no bata. ("I've got some selling to do here"). (to Qui-Gon) Soooo, let me take-a thee out back. You'll find what you need.
R2-D2 and Qui-Gon follow Watto toward the junkyard. Jar Jar picks up a gadget, trying to figure out its purpose. As he passes Jar Jar, Qui-Gon takes the part out of his hand and puts it back.
QUI-GON: Don't touch anything!
Jar Jar makes a rude face to Qui-Gon's back and sticks out his long tongue. Qui-Gon quickly turns around, catching Jar Jar in the act, and grabs his tongue.
QUI-GON: If I ever catch you doing that again, I'll garrote you with this thing! (Ties tongue around a pole and walks outside to Watto).
Anakin laughs at Jar Jar. Then he sits on the counter, pretending to clean a part, while staring at Padme, who's still looking dreamy-eyed at Qui-Gon outside. She is the most beautiful creature he has ever seen in his life. Anakin clears his throat to get her attention. She looks at him puzzled, then is embarrassed because she realizes he was watching her stare at Qui-Gon.
ANAKIN: Are you an angel?
PADME: What?
ANAKIN: An angel. I've heard the deep space pilots talk about them. They are the most beautiful creatures in the universe. They live on the Moons of Iego I think.
PADME: Now that's one of the best lines I've ever heard, and I've been around. You're a funny little boy... exactly how old are you anyway?
ANAKIN: (defensively) I'm 9 1/2 years old and I'm very mature for my age!
PADME: I'll say! How come you know so much?
ANAKIN: I've been around this place since I was very little, three, I think. My Mom and I were sold to Gardulla the Hutt, but she lost us betting on the Podraces to Watto. Anyway, I've seen a lotta stuff go down around here in the last six years.
PADME: (disappointed) So, you're... a slave? I mean, you don't have any money?
ANAKIN: (defiantly) I am a person! My name is Anakin! And money ain't everything. (Winks at Padme).
PADME: (shocked, but getting interested in Anakin's bold approach) Kinda fresh, ain't ya? You truly are a strange boy! (Smiles and winks back).
ANAKIN: (studies her intently) Wanna get married someday?
Padme stands surprised with her mouth open, about to answer, when Jar Jar, who's since untied his tongue from the pole, pushes the nose on what appears to be a little helmet that instantly comes to life, growing legs and arms, marching around and knocking over everything. Jar Jar tries to hold on to the droid, but can't stop it.
ANAKIN: Hit the nose!
Jar Jar hits the nose and the droid collapses back into its original state. Anakin and Padme laugh. Jar Jar just stands there looking stupid -- again.
WATTO'S JUNK YARD - BEHIND SHOP
Watto reads a small portable monitor he is holding. He stands before a hyperdrive.
WATTO: Here it is... a T-14 hyperdrive generator! Thee in luck, I'm the only one hereabouts who has one... but thee might as well buy a new ship. It would be cheaper, I think. Saying of which, how's thee going to pay for all this?
QUI-GON: I have 20,000 Republic Dataries.
WATTO: Republic credits?! Republic credits are no good out here. I need something more real.
QUI-GON: I don't have anything else. (Waves his hand) But credits will do fine.
WATTO: No they won'ta.
QUI-GON: (waves his hand again) Credits will do fine.
WATTO: No, they won'ta! What you think you're some kinda Jedi, waving your hand around like that? I'm a greedy S.O.B.! Mind tricks don'ta work on me -- only money. No money, no parts! No deal! And no one else has a T-14 hyperdrive, I promise you that.
Qui-Gon uses the Force to knock the portable monitor out of Watto's hands.
WATTO: Hey!
QUI-GON: (smiles) Have a nice day (turns and walks away).
WATTO'S JUNK SHOP
Jar Jar pulls a part out of a stack of parts to inspect it and they all come tumbling down. He struggles to catch them, only to knock more down. Anakin looks over, irritated.
PADME: Forget about him... he's just stupid. Now where were we? Oh yeah, you were telling me how wonderful my eyes are.
ANAKIN: (still looking at Jar Jar, knowing he's gonna have to fix anything that idiot breaks) Uh... yeah... (looks back at Padme, who's now giving him that dreamy-eyed look). I wouldn't have lasted this long if I weren't so good at fixing things. (Nervously, because Padme's staring is starting to freak him out) Uhhh... hey, I'm making my own droid!
Qui-Gon hurries into the shop, followed by R2-D2.
QUI-GON: We're leaving. Jar Jar.
Jar Jar follows Qui-Gon out of the shop. Padme is still giving Anakin a dreamy look, as she turns to leave the shop.
PADME: I'm glad I met you, Anakin (smiles and waves goodbye as she disappears outside).
ANAKIN: I was glad to meet you too! (Stares intently at the doorway, still trying to figure Padme out).
WATTO: (enters the store and flies over to Anakin, shaking his head). (subtitled) Ootmians! Tinka me chasa hopoe ma booty na nolia. ("Outlanders! They think we know nothing").
ANAKIN: (subtitled) La lova num botaffa.("They seemed nice to me").
WATTO: (subtitled) Fweepa niaga. Tolpa da bunky dunko. ("Oh what do you know, flirting with that girl! Clean the racks, then you can go home").
Anakin lets out a "yippee" and runs out the back.
MOS ESPA - STREET
Qui-Gon, R2-D2, Jar Jar and Padme have found a quiet spot between two buildings. The busy street beyond is filled with dangerous looking creatures. Qui-Gon is talking on his comlink, while Jar Jar nervously watches the street. Obi-Wan talks to his master from the main hold of the Naboo craft.
QUI-GON: And you're sure there isn't anything of value left on board?
OBI-WAN: A few containers of supplies, the Queen's gaudy wardrobe, maybe. Not enough for you to barter with. Not in the amounts you're talking about. (Smiling) You know, I used to do a little exotic dancing before hooking up with you. I was pretty good, too. Made a lot of money. I bet if I borrowed something from the Queen, I could still... (hears a loud click noise) Hello? Master?
Qui-Gon, disgusted, puts his comlink away and starts out into the main street. Jar Jar grabs his arm.
JAR JAR: Noah gain... da beings hereabouts cawazy. Weesa be robbed un crunched.
QUI-GON: (looks down at Jar Jar's hand on his arm) Don't touch me.
JAR JAR: (snatches hand away) Ooops, hee hee, meesa sorry!
MOS ESPA - STREET - MARKET
Qui-Gon, Padme, Jar Jar and R2-D2 move out into the street. Jar Jar is walking behind the others. They walk by an outdoor cafe filled with a rough gang of creatures, one of which is especially ugly, named Sebulba. Jar Jar stops for a moment in front of a stall selling dead frogs hanging on a wire. He wonders if he's still the shoplifter he used to be. He looks around to see if anyone is watching, then sticks out his tongue, getting hold of one and pulling it into his mouth. However, the frog is tied tightly to the wire. Then the vendor suddenly appears.
VENDOR: (aims sawed-off shotgun right at Jar Jar's face) You want fries with that?
Shocked, Jar Jar opens his mouth and the frog snaps away, ricochets around the stall, and lands in Sebulba's soup, splashing him. As Jar Jar tries to sneak away from the scene, Sebulba jumps over, knocks him on the ground and holds the frog up to his face.
SEBULBA: (subtitled) Chuba!! ("You!!")
JAR JAR: (trembling) Who, meesa?
SEBULBA: (subtitled) Ni chuba na?? ("Is this yours?" Holds the frog up to the Gungan, threateningly).
Jar Jar, sniveling, turns to see Anakin standing next to him. The boy stands up to Sebulba, unafraid.
ANAKIN: (subtitled) Chess ko, Sebulba... Coo wolpa tooney rana. ("Careful, Sebulba... he's a big-time Outlander! I'd hate to see you diced before we race again.")
Sebulba releases Jar Jar and gets in Anakin's face.
SEBULBA: (subtitled) Neek me chowa, wermo, mo killee ma klounkee ("Next time we race, it will be the end of you!") Una noto wo shag, me wompity du pom pom. ("If you weren't a slave, I'd squash you right now.")
Sebulba walks away.
ANAKIN: (subtitled) Eh, chee bana do mullee ra. ("Yeah, it'd be a pity if you had to pay for me.")
Qui-Gon, Padme and R2-D2 come over to Anakin and Jar Jar.
ANAKIN: Hi. Your buddy here was about to be turned into orange goo...
QUI-GON: HE is NOT my buddy!
ANAKIN: (cautiously) Oooh-kaaay. Anyway, he picked a fight with a Dug. An especially dangerous Dug called Sebulba.
JAR JAR: Nosir, nosir. Meesa hate crunchen. Dat's da last ting meesa wanten.
QUI-GON: (pointing in Jar Jar's face) You'd better stay outta trouble! Next time, you won't have a kid around to save your butt! (To Anakin) Thank you, my young friend.
Padme winks at Anakin, who smiles back. They start walking down the crowded street together. The wind is beginning to pick up.
JAR JAR: (still lying) Meesa doen nutten!
TATOOINE - DESERT - SPACESHIP
Obi-Wan stands in front of the Naboo spacecraft as the wind picks up and begins to whip at his robe. Captain Panaka exits the ship and joins him.
OBI-WAN: This storm will slow them down.
PANAKA: Yeah, it looks pretty bad. Very dangerous. We'd better seal the ship.
OBI-WAN: Well, I wouldn't go THAT far. You really need to stop being so anxious about things, my friend. (Reaching into utility belt) Here, try some of my...
PANAKA: (angrily) If you offer me those pills one more time, I'll shove that bottle up a certain place so hard, the Force won't even be able to pry it out!!
Obi-Wan swallows hard and puts the pills back. Captain Panaka's comlink sounds off.
PANAKA: (into comlink) Panaka. Okay, we'll be right there. (To Obi-Wan) They're receiving a transmission. Let's go.
Obi-Wan and Captain Panaka hurry back onto the ship.
MOS ESPA - STREET - FRUIT STAND
Anakin and the group stop at a fruit stand run by a kindly, very poor old lady named Jira.
ANAKIN: How are you feeling today, Jira?
JIRA: The heat's never been kind to me you know, Annie.
ANAKIN: (embarrassed because of Padme's presence) Please don't call me that! I'm not a little baby any more!
JIRA: (laughing, pinching Anakin's cheek) Oh Annie, you'll always be our little baby around here. (To Padme) Did he tell you about the time he drank too much soda, had a nightmare about some guy in a black outfit who was breathing heavily, causing him to wet the bed... twice?
ANAKIN: (angrily) That was a long time ago!
JIRA: (surprised) It was last Tuesday!
Padme starts laughing, then Qui-Gon, and finally Jar Jar, who's relieved to see someone else being the butt of a joke for a change).
ANAKIN: (tries to change the subject by offering Qui-Gon some fruit from Jira's table) Here, you'll like these...
Qui-Gon, still laughing, rubs Anakin's head and reaches into his pocket for some coins, revealing for a moment his lightsaber. Anakin turns around, surprised.
JIRA: Gracious, my bones are aching! Storm's coming on, Annie. You'd better get home quick.
The winds are getting even stronger as all the shopkeepers begin closing down.
ANAKIN: (to Qui-Gon) Do you have shelter?
QUI-GON: We'll head back to our ship.
ANAKIN: Is it far?
PADME: On the outskirts.
ANAKIN: You'll never reach the outskirts in time. Sandstorms are very, very dangerous. Come on, I'll take you to my place.
The group follows Anakin as he rushes down the windy street.
MOS ESPA - SLAVE QUARTERS - STREET
The wind has become a blinding sandstorm as Qui-Gon, Jar Jar, R2-D2 and Padme follow Anakin down the street and into a slave hovel.
ANAKIN'S HOVEL - MAIN ROOM
The group enters the main room of a very small residence.
ANAKIN: Mom! Mom, I'm home!
JAR JAR: Ah, dissen cozy... for a bug.
Anakin's mother, Shmi Skywalker, a woman of forty, enters from her work area and is startled to see the room full of visitors.
SHMI: (staring at Qui-Gon) Oh no! Annie, what the...
ANAKIN: These are my friends, Mom.
QUI-GON: I'm Qui-Gon Jinn, that's Padme, and this is Jar Jar Binks.
PADME: And our droid, R2-D2.
ANAKIN: I'm building a droid. You wanna see?
SHMI: Anakin! Why are they here?!
ANAKIN: A sandstorm, Mom. Listen.
The wind howls outside.
QUI-GON: Your son was kind enough to offer us shelter.
SHMI: Oh, great! Now I've gotta figure out how to split five beans among all of us for dinner!
QUI-GON: (irritated) It shouldn't be that hard, woman! I mean after all, there are five of us life forms here. Five divided by five equals one... one bean for each us. Geez, you don't exactly have to be a rocket scientist here!
Shmi is so offended, she runs into the kitchen, weeping. Qui-Gon doesn't have a clue what just happened, until Padme stomps on his foot, hard.
QUI-GON: OW!!! (angrily reaching for his foot, looking at Padme) What?!
PADME: Well, Mr. Tactful-butt, you've done it again. Don't you see that she was trying to tell us how poor they are and that we're gonna eat what little they have left?
Qui-Gon thinks for a moment, then takes five small capsules from his utility belt, walks into the kitchen and hands them to Shmi, who's sitting with her head held down.
QUI-GON: (puts hand on Shmi's shoulder, while handing her the capsules) There. I have enough food here to make a meal for everybody. I was just having a little fun with you.
SHMI: Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. (Stands before Qui-Gon) I'm sorry for acting so inhospitable. I'm usually not that rude... (suddenly groin-kicks Qui-Gon, who groans as his face turns red). There! Now I'M just having a little fun with YOU! I'd say we're even now?
Qui-Gon, bent over, nods and hobbles off into the main room. He looks up to see Padme smirking.
ANAKIN: (runs from his room over to Padme) Come on! Let me show you 3-PO! (He leads Padme into the other room. R2-D2 follows, beeping all the way).
ANAKIN'S HOVEL - BEDROOM
Anakin shows off his droid, which is lying on his workbench. There is one eye in the head; the body, arms and legs have no outer coverings.
ANAKIN: Isn't he great?! He's not finished yet.
PADME: He's wonderful! Uh... what is he?
ANAKIN: He's a protocol droid, silly... to help Mom. Watch!
Anakin pushes a switch, and the droid sits up. Anakin rushes around, grabs an eye and puts it in one of the sockets.
C-3PO: (turns to Padme) Hello, my name's Bart Simpson... who the hell are you?
ANAKIN: Yikes, I thought I fixed that bug!
PADME: Well, other than his rude mouth, he's perfect.
ANAKIN: When the storm is over, I'll show you my racer. I'm building a Podracer!
Padme nervously smiles at Anakin's enthusiasm, wondering if the podracer's gonna be rude to her too. R2-D2 lets out a flurry of beeps and whistles.
C-3PO: I beg your pardon. What do you mean I'm naked, mutha...
R2-D2 lets out another flurry of loud beeps and whistles, drowning out the rest of C-3PO's rude remark.
ANAKIN: (quickly turns C-3PO off) Uh, I think he's gonna need a lot more work!
Padme worriedly nods her head in agreement.
NABOO SPACECRAFT - QUEENS CHAMBERS
Amidala, her handmaidens, Captain Panaka and Obi-Wan watch a shaky transmission of Sio Bibble's hologram.
BIBBLE: The death toll is catastrophic. We must bow to their wishes. You must contact me!
AMIDALA: What an awful transmission... it's shaking terribly!
PANAKA: The transmission's fine, Your Highness. It's Bibble who's shaking.
OBI-WAN: It's a trick. Send no reply... send no transmission of any kind! (Walks out of room).
ANAKIN'S HOVEL - MAIN ROOM
Qui-Gon is listening to his comlink. Obi-Wan is talking to him from the ship's cockpit.
QUI-GON: It sounds like bait to establish a connection trace.
OBI-WAN: What if it is true... and the people are dying?
QUI-GON: More than likely, ol' Bibble's just sniveling again. Either way, we're running out of time.
The Virgin Mom
Part Three
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