Georgette's World Star Wars Pictures Humor -- Episode I Phantom Menace Movie Script Parody
A Day at the Races
SLAVE QUARTERS - BALCONY
It is night, as Anakin sits on the balcony rail of his hovel and Qui-Gon tends to a cut on the boy's arm.
QUI-GON: Sit still, Annie. Let me clean this cut.
ANAKIN: Aw, come on... I wish you guys would stop calling me that! You don't realize it now, but that name is causing me irreversible psychological damage that will result in my future sociopathic behavior, causing utter havoc and chaos throughout the galaxy, and creating the greatest disturbance and unbalance in the Force.
Qui-Gon, mouth open, sits frozen in stunned silence. Then the boy leans back to look at the vast blanket of stars in the sky.
ANAKIN: There are so many! Do they all have a system of planets?
QUI-GON: (still dazed) Uh, yeah -- "Anakin" -- most of them.
ANAKIN: Has anyone been to them all?
QUI-G0N: Uh, no, not likely.
ANAKIN: I want to be the first one to see them all... maybe when I'm ruler of the galaxy! (starts laughing).
Qui-Gon, startled, accidentally scrapes Anakin's arm, making it bleed again. He then wipes the patch of blood off Anakin's arm.
ANAKIN: Ouch!
QUI-GON: Uh, sorry, my son. There we are, good as new.
SHMI: (yells from inside the hovel) Annie, bedtime!
ANAKIN: (quivers at being called that name again) I swear, if she weren't my mom, I'd...
Qui-Gon nervously smiles and pats Anakin's head, then scrapes his blood onto a comlink chip.
ANAKIN: What are you doing?
QUI-GON: Checking your blood for infections.
SHMI: (yelling from the doorway) Annie! I'm not going to tell you again!
Anakin grimaces. Then Qui-Gon hugs him and kisses him on the forehead. Anakin looks bewildered.
QUI-GON: (smiling) Time for bed now... you have a big day tomorrow. Goodnight, my son.
ANAKIN: (pushes away) Hey, what's wrong with you?! You keep patting me, hugging me, kissing me, calling me "son"... you've been acting extra weird lately. What's up with that? You going senile or something?
QUI-GON: (angrily) Senile?! I'm not even fifty years old yet!! (Nervously smiles and tries to calm down) Uh, don't be silly now, of course not. (rubs Anakin's head) Looks like somebody's gone way past their sleepy time. Now be a good boy and run along, before the sandman comes and doesn't leave you any sweet dreams tonite.
Anakin shakes his head, mumbles and runs into the hovel. Qui-Gon takes the blood stained chip and inserts it into the comlink, then calls Obi-Wan.
QUI-GON: Obi-Wan...
OBI-WAN: Yes, Master.
QUI-GON: I need an analysis of this blood sample I'm sending you.
OBI-WAN: What kind do you want? Drug, alcohol, pregnancy...
QUI-GON: No, it's for the boy! I need a midi-chlorian count.
OBI-WAN: (pauses) The readings are off the chart... over twenty-thousand.
QUI-GON: (almost to himself) That's it then.
OBI-WAN: Even Master Yoda doesn't have a midi-chlorian count that high!
QUI-GON: No Jedi has (thinks to himself "...well, except me.")
OBI-WAN: What does it mean?
QUI-GON: I'm not sure (thinks to himself again "...gee, I guess I really am the boy's father.")
The Jedi Knight looks up and sees Shmi in the doorway watching him, wiping some kitchen utensil with a towel.
SHMI: I mean it! (shows him the butter knife she was wiping) He has no father!
Qui-Gon looks away, sighs and shakes his head.
TATOOINE - DESERT MESA
A Sith spacecraft lands on top of a desert mesa at dusk. The door opens and very loud, cheesy theme music is heard booming from inside. Darth Maul exits the ship and walks to the edge of the mesa, studying the landscape with a pair of electrobinoculars. His head bobs to the music as he picks out the lights of three different cities in the distance. Then he pushes buttons on his electronic armband. Three basketball-sized probe droids float out of the ship and head off in three different directions, toward the cities. Maul stands on the mesa and watches them through his electrobinoculars, while singing.
MOS ESPA ARENA - MAIN HANGAR
It's morning at the racing arena's main hangar, a large building filled with a dozen or so Podracers being readied for the day's big event. Crews and pilots rush about, making last minute fixes on their vehicles. Watto, Qui-Gon and Jar Jar walk through all the activity.
WATTO: I want to see your spaceship the moment the race is over.
QUI-GON: Patience, my blue fiend. You'll have your winnings before the suns set. And we'll be far away from this dried-up little planet.
WATTO: Not if your ship belongs to me, I think. I warn you, no funny business.
QUI-GON: Are YOU accusing ME of being a con-artist? Or is it you just don't think Anakin will win?
Watto stops before an orange racer. Sitting to one side, having his shoulders and neck massaged by twin Yobanas, is Sebulba. Jar Jar looks over and gasps.
WATTO: Don't get me wrongo. I have great faith in the boy. He's a credit to your race, but Sebulba there is going to win, I think.
QUI-GON: Why do you think that?
WATTO: He always wins... he's a cheating piece of scum, like-a me. (laughs) I'm betting heavily on Sebulba.
QUI-GON: (thinks for a moment) I'll take that bet.
WATTO: (suddenly stops laughing) What?!
QUI-GON: I'll wager my new racing Pod against... say... the boy and his mother.
WATTO: No Pod's worth two slaves, not by a long shot.
QUI-GON: The boy then.
WATTO: (pulls out a small cube from his pocket) We'll let fate decide, eh? I just happen to have a chance cube. Blue it's the boy, red his mother...
Qui-Gon lifts his hand slightly, knocking the cube out of Watto's hand.
WATTO: Hey!!
The cube lands on the blue side. Qui-Gon and Jar Jar smile. Watto is angry.
QUI-GON: It was a fair toss.
WATTO: You won the small toss, outlander, but you won't win the race, so... it makes little difference.
Anakin and Padme enter the hangar on an Eopie, a camel-like creature. Kitster and Shmi ride on another Eopie. With C-3PO walking alongside, R2-D2 tows the Pod. Watto passes Anakin as he leaves.
WATTO: (subtitled) Bonapa keesa pateeso, o wanna meetee chobodd. ("Better stop your friend's betting, or I'll end up owning him, too". Flies off, laughing).
ANAKIN: What did he mean by that?
QUI-GON: Don't pay that fool no mind.
R2-D2 beeps at C-3PO.
C-3PO: Oh my, that blue fellow certainly is a little piece of s...
R2-D2 emits a series of loud beeps and whistles.
C-3PO: Yes, he's a real bas...
R2-D2 emits an even louder series of beeps and whistles.
KITSTER: (to Anakin) This is so wizard! I'm sure you'll do it this time.
PADME: Do what?
KITSTER: Finish the race, of course!
PADME: You've never won a race?
ANAKIN: Well... not exactly.
PADME: Not even finished?!
ANAKIN: (getting cocky) Hey chill-out, baby! Kitster's right, I will this time (winks at Padme).
QUI-GON: (walks up behind Anakin, placing his hands on his shoulders) Of course you will, my son.
Anakin looks embarrassed, as Qui-Gon rubs the boy's head and smiles.
MOS ESPA - STREET
One of Darth Maul's probe droids slowly floats down the main street of Mos Espa. It looks into shops and studies people as it searches for Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon or the Queen. A Jawa tries to steal the droid but when he grabs it, gets fried by 50,000 volts of anti-theft protection Dark Side lightning.
MOS ESPA - DESERT RACE ARENA
A large semi-circular amphitheater holding a hundred thousand people dominates the landscape. Large viewing platforms loom over the racetrack.
MOS ESPA ARENA - ANNOUNCER'S BOX
A two-headed announcer called Fode & Beed describes the scene.
FODE: Toogie! Toogie! ("Greetings") We have perfect weather today for the Boonta classic. The most hazardous of all Podraces.
BEED: That's absolutely right. And a big turnout here, from all corners of the Outer Rim territories. I see the contestants are making their way out onto the starting grid.
MOS ESPA - DESERT RACE ARENA
On the left side of the tracks across from the grandstands, a line of Podracers emerges from the large hangar, surrounded by several crew members. Pods are pulled by a wide variety of creatures and are led by persons or droids carrying flags. The pilots stand facing the royal box.
FODE: Yes, there they are!
BEED: I see Ben Quadinaros from the Tund system.
FODE: And Gasgano in the new Ord Pedrovia.
BEED: Two time winner, Boles Roor...
FODE: On the front line the reigning champion, Sebulba!!
The crowd roars, as Sebulba waves.
BEED: And a late entry, Anakin Skywalker, a local boy.
Anakin waves to the cheering crowd.
MOS ESPA - ARENA - STARTING GRID
Anakin attaches the giant engines to his Pod with a long cable. Sebulba sneaks over and bends down a part protruding from one of Anakin's engines. He looks around to see if anyone has noticed. He walks over to Anakin and gives him a sinister grin.
SEBULBA: Bazda wahota, shag. Dobiella Nok. Yoka to Bantha poodoo. (You won't walk away from this one, slave scum! You're Bantha poodoo.")
ANAKIN: (subtitled) Cha skrundee da pat, sleemo. ("Spin on this, slime-ball." Anakin holds up a screwdriver to Sebulba's face).
Sebulba's eyes get big, then he sneers and walks away as Qui-Gon approaches.
QUI-GON: Are you all set, son? (Anakin rolls his eyes) Right. (Qui-Gon helps Anakin into his Pod; the boy straps himself into the tiny racer). Remember, concentrate on the moment. Feel. Don't think. Trust your instincts. (Smiles and rubs Anakin's head) May the Force be with you, my son. (Steps back as Anakin puts on his goggles).
MOS ESPA - ARENA - ROYAL BOX
Jabba the Hutt enters the box and waves to the crowd.
FODE: His honor, our glorious host, Jabba the Hutt has entered the arena.
The crowd cheers. Several other slug-like hutts follow, along with other creatures and a slave girl on a chain. Jabba throws kisses to the fans.
JABBA: (subtitled) Ka bazza kundee hodrudda! ("Let's get ready to RUMBLEEEEE!!!")
MOS ESPA - ARENA - STARTING GRID
The pilots flip switches and powerful energy binders shoot between the engines. Anakin flips a switch and his engine starts. The incredible roar of high-powered engines igniting echoes throughout the arena. The flag bearers move off the track. The crowd eagerly awaits the start of the race.
FODE: The power couplings are being activated.
BEED: Hey, it looks like they're clearing the grid.
MOS ESPA - ARENA - VIEWING PLATFORM
Shmi looks anxiously at Qui-Gon as he enters the viewing platform. Padme and Jar Jar are already on board. The platform rises like an elevator.
SHMI: I swear, if he gets hurt... (raises a clenched fist to Qui-Gon).
QUI-GON: (rolls eyes, turns away) Oh give it a rest!
PADME: (steps over to Qui-Gon) You Jedi are far too reckless. The Queen...
QUI-GON: And don't YOU get started again! The Queen trusts my judgment, young handmaiden. You should too. (Smiles and pinches Padme's cheek).
PADME: (angrily slaps Qui-Gon's hand away) You assume too much!
MOS ESPA - ARENA - ROYAL BOX
Jabba bites off the head of his snack and spits it at a gong, signaling the start of the race.
MOS ESPA - ARENA - STARTING GRID
On a bridge over the track, a great green light at the center flashes. The Podracers shoot forward with a high-pitched scream. Anakin's engine floods and coughs -- then dies. All the other Podracers except one swerve around him and disappear around the track. He struggles to get his racer started. The two-headed announcer reports.
FODE: And they're off!
BEED: Oh, wait. Little "Annie" has stalled.
Anakin glares at the announcers, as he flips switches, trying to start his engines. Padme and Jar Jar are upset. Qui-Gon puts his arm around a worried Shmi to comfort her, but starts overdoing it, as he reminisces about that night in Mos Eisley. Shmi elbows him, turns and glares. He releases her, grinning nervously. She turns back around just as Anakin's engines ignite. He zooms away after the receding pack of competitors, leaving one quadra-Pod racer still trying to get started. The two-headed Announcer describes the race as it progresses.
BEED: And there goes Skywalker! He'll be hard pressed to catch up with the leaders today.
MOS ESPA - RACETRACK
The Podracers fly across the desert. Sebulba drives his Pod into one of his rivals, forcing him to crash into the wall of a large rock formation. Anakin is much faster than the back-end stragglers and passes them easily. Four Tusken Raiders are perched on a cliff above the race course.
RAIDER #1: Hey, isn't that the runt who's been hanging out with that Jedi chump?
RAIDER #2: Well I'll be! Let's nail the little brat!
The Raiders begin firing their rifles at Anakin's Podracer in the canyon below them. One shot ricochets off the back of his Pod.
BEED: Looks like a few Tusken Raiders have camped out on the canyon dune turn.
Padme, Jar Jar, Shmi and Qui-Gon worriedly watch a hand-held view screen. R2-D2, down in the pits with Kitster and C-3PO, lets out a distressed sigh; C-3PO lets out a few profanities. Anakin is powering around corners and over hills and cliffs, passing other racers right and left. Sebulba is in the lead. Anakin works his way through a dense mass of racers as they zoom over a dune sea, kicking up dust. Some of the other racers are either crashing accidentally or at the hands of Sebulba.
I'll Fly Away
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