Georgette's World Star Wars Pictures Humor -- Episode I Phantom Menace Movie Script Parody
I'll Fly Away
MOS ESPA - ARENA - VIEWING PLATFORM
Qui-Gon, Padme and Shmi search the landscape for any sign of the racers. Watto is laughing with his friends, confident in Anakin's defeat. The quadra-Pod engines start just as the racers come around the corner. The pilot puts it in gear and the four engines go off in all directions, exploding in a spectacular display. The Pod drops to the ground as Sebulba enters the arena, closely followed by all the other racers. Kitster strains to see, as R2-D2 beeps excitedly. The announcer continues.
BEED: Oooh, there goes Quadinaros' power couplings!
FODE: Here comes Sebulba in record time!
Qui-Gon, Padme, Shmi and Jar Jar eagerly watch as Anakin approaches. Lap two. Sebulba and the remaining racers pass the main arena. The crowd stands and yells as the Podracers scream off into the distance.
PADME: Here he comes!
R2-D2 lets out an excited whistle, as Kitster yells.
C3-PO: He has to complete two more circuits? Well I'll be da...
C-3PO is drowned out by the sound of Anakin's racer coming around the bend, quickly gaining on the pack. The two-headed announcer describes the action. The crowd goes wild.
BEED: It looks like Skywalker is moving up through the field. He's in...
FODE: Sixth place, not bad.
Anakin continues to gain on the pack. The tension for Shmi and Padme is unbearable. Another racer is getting close to Sebulba, who throws a small part from his Pod into the racer's engine, causing him to crash, barely missing Anakin. Skywalker finally catches up with Sebulba and runs neck and neck over the rough terrain. Jar Jar, Qui-Gon, Shmi and Padme are excited as Anakin comes through the arena. The lights in the tower indicate that this is the third and final lap. After passing through the arena, Sebulba rams Anakin, who is forced off course.
BEED: Skywalker is forced onto the service ramp!
FODE: Uh-oh!
In a surprise move, Anakin flies high over Sebulba, then dives in front of him to take the lead.
BEED: It's Skywalker! A sudden controlled thrust and he's back on course!
Sebulba is furious. He stays right on Anakin's tail, pushing the boy's engines to the limit. The part on Anakin's engine that Sebulba loosened before the race, begins shaking violently and finally falls off. Warning lights and alarms go off on Anakin's control panel, as he begins losing one of his engines. He switches over to an auxiliary system, flipping various switches, until the engine is finally restored to full power. Meanwhile, Sebulba has passed him and is gaining a big lead. Watto and friends are cheering. Qui-Gon and friends are worried, but hopeful. Anakin starts to gain on Sebulba and finally catches up with him, as they race down the final stretch of the track.
BEED: He's caught Sebulba!
FODE: Incredible!!
Sebulba veers toward Anakin and bangs into his Pod. The young boy struggles to maintain control as the steering rods on the two Pods become hooked together.
BEED: That little human being is out of his mind!
FODE: They're neck and neck!
BEED: They're side by side!
FODE: Shoulder to shoulder!!
As they head for the final stretch, Anakin fights to unlock the steering rods by trying to pull away from Sebulba. The strain on the steering rod is tremendous. Suddenly, Anakin thrusts his engines, breaking free of Sebulba, whose pod spins out of control and into an ancient statue. One engine explodes, then the other. Sebulba skids through the wreckage, unhurt. He slides to a smoking stop and bangs on his racer.
SEBULBA: PO-YO!!!
Anakin flies triumphantly into the arena, as Padme and Jar Jar jump up and down with excitement. R2-D2 whistles and beeps wildly; C-3PO's rude mouth is drowned out by the cheers of the crowd. Kitster and Wald dance around celebrating. Qui-Gon and Shmi share a loving smile, then snap back to reality and quickly turn away from one another. Anakin races over the finish line, the winner.
BEED: It's Skywalker! The crowd is going nuts! Ooh-Ah-Ooh-Ah! (rocks head in tandem with partner).
As Anakin stops the Podracer, Qui-Gon, Shmi, Padme and the others run up to congratulate him. Thousands of spectators join them in the celebration.
MOS ESPA - ARENA - MAIN HANGAR
The Main Hangar is almost deserted as racers depart.
SHMI: (hugging and kissing Anakin) It's so wonderful, Annie. You have brought hope to those who have none. I'm so very proud of you! (Hugs Anakin tighter and tighter until he pulls away, embarrassed).
PADME: We owe you everything. (Hugs Anakin, who holds her tighter and tighter until she pulls away, embarrassed).
MOS ESPA - ARENA - WATTO'S PRIVATE BOX
Several persons leave Watto's box, laughing and counting their money. Watto sees Qui-Gon standing in the doorway.
WATTO: You! You swindled me! You knew the boy was-a going to win! Somehow you knew it! I lost everything.
QUI-GON: Whenever you gamble my friend, eventually you'll lose... any Day Trader will tell you that. Bring the parts to the main hangar. I'll come by your shop later on so you can release the boy.
WATTO: You can't have him! It wasn't a fair bet.
QUI-GON: What?! (angrily grabs Watto's nose/trunk and quickly ties it into a knot) Now, do we need to discuss this any further?
WATTO: (writhing in pain, while trying to untie nose/trunk) NO!!! No... take him, take him!!
TATOOINE DESERT - NABOO SPACECRAFT
R2-D2, Qui-Gon, Padme and Jar Jar arrive at the ship, bringing a large amount of supplies and the hyperdrive. Obi-Wan comes out of the ship and joins them.
QUI-GON: We've got all the essential parts. I'm going back... some unfinished business. I won't be long.
OBI-WAN: Why do I sense we've picked up another pathetic life form?
QUI-GON: It's the boy who's responsible for getting us these parts! Now shut your yap and get this hyperdrive generator installed.
Qui-Gon turns to ride back into Mos Espa.
OBI-WAN: Yes, Master. (sticks tongue out, frowns and mocks Qui-Gon) "It's the boy who's responsible for getting us these parts..."
Qui-Gon spins around, again trying to catch Obi-Wan, but the apprentice quickly turns toward the ship and walks away while cleaning his ear.
ANAKIN'S HOVEL - MAIN ROOM
Shmi is at her workstation when Anakin bursts through the door, followed by Qui-Gon.
ANAKIN: Mom, he sold the Pod! Look at all the money we have! (Hands Shmi the money).
SHMI: Oh, my goodness! That's wonderful. (to Qui-Gon) I guess you're not as greedy as I thought.
QUI-GON: (gives Shmi a big fake grin, then smiles at Anakin) Anakin has been freed.
ANAKIN: What?!
QUI-GON: You're no longer a slave, son.
Anakin jumps for joy; Shmi is happy, yet sad.
ANAKIN: Did you hear that, Mom?!
SHMI: Now you can make your dreams come true, Annie. You're free! (Turns to Qui-Gon) Well, I guess you did find a less messy way to take him with you. Is he to become a Jedi?
QUI-GON: Yes... our meeting was not a coincidence. Nothing happens by accident...
SHMI: (mumbling) Unless you run into some smooth-talking player on Ladies Night at the Mos Eisley Cantina.
Qui-Gon glares at Shmi.
ANAKIN: You mean, I get to go with you in your starship and everything?!
QUI-GON: (kneels down before the boy) Anakin, my son, training to become a Jedi will not be an easy challenge. And even if you succeed, it will be a hard life.
ANAKIN: But I wanna go, it's what I've always dreamed of doing. (turns to Shmi) Can I go, Mom? Please? Pretty please? Pretty please with sugar on top...
SHMI: Alright, alright! Look, this path has been placed before you, Anakin; the choice is yours alone.
ANAKIN: (thinks for a moment) I want to go.
QUI-GON: Then pack your things, my son. We haven't much time.
ANAKIN: Yippee!! (hugs Shmi and starts for his room, then stops and turns around). What about Mom? Is she free too? You're coming, aren't you Mom?
QUI-GON: I tried to free your mother, Anakin, but Watto wouldn't have it.
SHMI: (mumbling) Yeah, sure.
Anakin walks over to Shmi, who takes both of his hands in hers and draws him close.
SHMI: Son, my place is here. My future is here. It is time for you to let go.
ANAKIN: I don't want things to change.
SHMI: (sadly) You can't stop the change any more than you can stop the suns from setting. Oh, I love you (hugs Anakin). Now, hurry.
ANAKIN: (backs away, sadly holding head down) I'm going to miss you so much, Mom. (Pauses, then looks up grinning) Oh well... at least I'M gettin' outta this dump!! (cheerfully skips to his room, whistling).
SHMI: (upset) Why that little ungrateful son of a Jedi... he didn't used to act this rude until you showed up.
QUI-GON: (getting angry) Look woman, don't start with me again! You raised him. Don't blame me for your feeble parenting skills!
SHMI: (standing) Well, at least I was around to use what little parenting skills I had, while you were out chasing freaks and green women across the galaxy!
QUI-GON: (getting angrier, steps nearer to Shmi) That was Captain Kirk, you dimwit!!
SHMI: (getting angry, steps closer to Qui-Gon) Oh that's right, blame someone else, you lying, cheating, dead-beat dad!!
QUI-GON: (stands right up against Shmi) Dead-beat dad?! How could I be a dead-beat dad if I didn't even KNOW I was a dad?!
SHMI: (standing on toes, getting right in Qui-Gon's face) Well maybe you would have, if only you came back and married me like you promised! I mean, you could've called or contacted me by comlink, the Force, something, anything!!
QUI-GON: Darn it, woman!!
Qui-Gon grabs Shmi and starts kissing her. She starts pushing away, but then embraces him instead. After a long, slurpy kiss, Qui-Gon smiles at Shmi.
QUI-GON: (arrogantly) There. You looked like you could use a good kiss. Say baby, doesn't this kinda remind you of that night in Mos Eisley when... AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
Shmi has just groin-kicked Qui-Gon, again.
SHMI: (walking into the kitchen) Yeah, now that you've mentioned it... it does!
ANAKIN'S ROOM
Anakin is in his room, still whistling, and turns on C-3PO. Then he starts packing a few things in a small backpack. C-3PO stares at him blankly.
ANAKIN: Well 3-PO, I'm free... and soon, I'll fly away in a starship!
C-3PO: Master, you are my maker and I wish you well. Although I'd like it better if I were a little less naked. I mean, this is pretty sh....
ANAKIN: (interrupting) I'm sorry I wasn't able to finish you, 3-PO -- give you coverings, manners, and all. I'm going to miss working on you. You've been a great pal. I'll make sure Mom doesn't sell you or anything. Bye (runs out of the room).
C-3PO: (watching Anakin leave the room) Sell me?! Wait, come back here, you little son of a b.... (C-3PO suddenly shuts down, as Anakin forgot to recharge his power supply).
MOS ESPA - STREET - SLAVE QUARTERS
Anakin walks away, following Qui-Gon, who is still a little bent over and walking kinda funny. Then he stops to look back at his mother standing in the doorway. He turns and looks at Qui-Gon, who's stopped to wait for him with this strange look of fear and pain on his face. Anakin then turns back around and runs to his mother, who kneels down to hug and kiss him.
ANAKIN: (upset) I can't do it, Mom. I just can't do it.
SHMI: Annie...
ANAKIN: (trying not to cry) Will I ever see you again?
SHMI: What does your heart tell you?
ANAKIN: I hope so... yes... I guess.
SHMI: Then we will see each other again... I hope. (Thinks to herself, "why hasn't Lucas called yet?")
ANAKIN: I will come back and free you, Mom... I promise.
SHMI: (looks down, trying not to cry, thinking "yeah, that would be cool... then Lucas would HAVE to call me!"; takes a deep breath and looks back up to Anakin) Now, be brave, and don't look back... don't look back.
Shmi stands, then turns Anakin around so he is facing Qui-Gon. With a gentle nudge, she sends him off. Shmi sadly watches Anakin walk out of her life... then slowly smiles as she realizes she can have her swinging singles lifestyle back again.
TATOOINE - DESERT MESA
One of the probe droids returns and reports to Darth Maul. The Sith Lord puts on his sunglasses, sets the remote control alarm on his ship, then gets on a speeder bike and heads for Mos Espa.
TATOOINE - DESERT - NABOO SPACECRAFT
Qui-Gon and Anakin are running toward the Naboo spacecraft. Anakin is having a hard time keeping up.
ANAKIN: Hey Qui-Gon, hold up!
Qui-Gon turns around and sees a sinister figure bearing down on a speeder bike.
QUI-GON: ANAKIN, DROP!!!
Anakin drops to the ground just as Darth Maul sweeps over him. The Sith back-flips off his speeder bike into the air and comes swooping down on Qui-Gon, with his lightsaber drawn. The Jedi quickly draws his lightsaber and a fierce duel begins.
QUI-GON: Anakin, get to the ship!! Tell Obi-Wan to get his butt out here, STAT!!!
Qui-Gon struggles to fend off the relentless onslaught as Anakin races aboard the ship.
NABOO SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT
Captain Panaka, Anakin and Padme rush into the cockpit where Obi-Wan and Ric Olie are checking the hyperdrive.
PANAKA: Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon's in trouble!
ANAKIN: (to Obi-Wan) He said for you to come out and help him!
OBI-WAN: (looks outside at the fight) Yeah right! I ain't going out there. (to Ric, pointing outside) Over there. Fly low.
They head for a small cloud of dust, where the battle is raging.
TATOOINE - DESERT - NABOO SPACECRAFT
Qui-Gon and Darth Maul continue their ferocious duel. As the ship arrives, Qui-Gon smacks Maul's sunglasses off. As Maul goes to retrieve the glasses, Qui-Gon makes an incredible leap onto the ship's ramp. The Naboo craft speeds away, leaving the Sith Lord standing alone, really pissed.
NABOO SPACECRAFT - HALLWAY
Anakin and Obi-Wan rush into the hallway to find Qui-Gon collapsed on the floor opposite the entry. The Jedi is breathing hard, covered with sweat and dust.
ANAKIN: Are you all right?
QUI-GON: Yes, I think so.
OBI-WAN: What was it?
QUI-GON: Heck if I know! But it was well trained in the Jedi arts and... hey, where was your butt anyway?! Didn't the boy tell you come out and help me?
OBI-WAN: What?! (looks at Anakin, puzzled) Oh, THAT'S what you were yelling about. (to Qui-Gon) The boy was so overly excited and rambling on so, I couldn't understand a word he was saying (laughs nervously). It just so happened I looked out the window and saw the fighting... (looks back at Anakin, who's appalled and starts to protest but is cut-off) Anyway, when I saw how badly that guy was kicking your a... (notices Qui-Gon staring at him suspiciously). Well, I... (holds head down) I... thought it best to fly over and rescue you.
QUI-GON: (still looking at Obi-Wan skeptically) Yes, it's a good thing you just happened to look out the window. I know you must be telling me the truth, my young apprentice, because if you were lying, you would have to be punished... punished very, very severely.
OBI-WAN: (trying not to look delighted by Qui-Gon's threat) Yes, Master.
ANAKIN: (sighs, getting frustrated with both Jedi) So what are we going to do about the attacker?
QUI-GON: We will be patient. Anakin Skywalker, meet Obi-Wan Kenobi.
ANAKIN: (sarcastically to Obi-Wan) Yeah, we met in the cockpit... REMEMBER?!
Obi-Wan just gives the boy a dirty look, but finally fakes a smile after noticing Qui-Gon glaring at him.
NABOO PALACE - THRONE ROOM - THEED
Nute sits in a strange, mechanical chair, which walks beside Sio Bibble. Rune follows a few steps behind. Droid guards surround Bibble.
NUTE: Your Queen is lost, your people are starving, and you, Governor, are going to die, much sooner than your people, I'm afraid.
BIBBLE: Die?! (starts trembling) Look, this has gone too far! I'm not sacrificing my butt for this sorry little planet! I'll do what ever you want! Please, just don't kill me... I'm too young to die... I've got fifteen children... my house burned down last night... my dog died this morning... my speeder broke down this afternoon...
NUTE: (disgusted with Bibble's sniveling) Take him away!
Bibble is taken away, still sniveling, as the droid commander approaches Nute.
COMMANDER: My troops are in position to begin searching the swamps for these rumored underwater villages. They will not stay hidden for long.
NABOO SPACECRAFT - MAIN AREA
The ship is asleep. The lights are dim as Padme walks into the main room. She goes to a monitor and watches the Bibble plea recording, noticing how shaky the transmission looks. Jar Jar is stretched out in a chair, snoring. Padme appears upset. She senses someone watching her and turns around to see Anakin sitting in the corner staring at her -- shivering, looking sad and lonely.
PADME: You all right?
ANAKIN: It's very cold.
PADME: (picks up a blanket, walks over to Anakin, covers him and sits next to him) You come from a warm planet, Annie. A little too warm for my taste. Space is cold.
ANAKIN: You seem sad and tired.
PADME: (yawns) I'm, I mean, THE QUEEN, is worried. My, I mean, HER, people are suffering... dying. (big yawn) I, I mean, SHE, must convince the Senate to intervene, or... crap! I'M tired! (Leans back against wall and half closes her eyes).
ANAKIN: (pulls something from his pocket) I made this for you. So you'd remember me. I carved it out of a japor snippet... it will bring you good fortune.
Anakin hands a wooden pendant to Padme. She inspects it and thinks to herself "man, how cheap! I'll just save it and give it to Panaka for Christmas".
PADME: You shouldn't have... really. I don't need this to remember you by. Many things will change when we reach the capital, Annie. But my caring for you will always remain. (Yawns again and leans back against the wall, closing her eyes completely).
ANAKIN: I care for you too... (sadly looks down) only I... miss... I miss... my mommy. Every night, she would read me a story and sing the "Itsy-bitsy Spider" song. I'm missing her terribly right now and I don't know what to do (starts to cry). Do you think that maybe you could sing the...
Padme interrupts with loud snoring. Anakin looks up at her, rolls his eyes, then turns over and goes to sleep.
Not Just Politics As Usual
Part Six
Part EightBack Home to Georgette's World Star Wars Pictures Humor
