Georgette's World Star Wars Pictures Humor -- Episode I Phantom Menace Movie Script Parody
Game Over
THEED PALACE - THRONE ROOM
Nute, Rune, Darth Maul and a hologram of Darth Sidious walk through the throne room.
DARTH SIDIOUS: She's more silly than I thought.
NUTE: Weee are seeendng all troops to meeet this aaarmy of hers asseeembling near the swaaamp. It appeeears to be made up of priiimitives.
DARTH SIDIOUS: What? Oh, yes, yes. Good. This will work to our advantage...
NUTE: I haaave your approooval to proceeed then, My Looord?
DARTH SIDIOUS: What? Oh, yes, yes. Wipe them out. All of them.
NABOO SWAMP LAKE
The Gungan army heads out of the swamp and onto the rolling grassy hills. Hundreds of Gungan warriors march toward the horizon. Captain Tarpals sees the Federation's tanks, mumbles something profane, and orders a halt. The Gungans are spread out in a large line.
TARPALS: Energize the shield!!
A huge red ray shoots out of a generator and blasts into a large dish on the back of a very large, lizard-like Faamba and spreads like an umbrella over the assembled warriors. The Federation tanks move up to a ridge and stop. The droid commander looks at the assembled Gungan army.
COMMANDER: They must be kidding. Open fire!!
THEED - CENTRAL PLAZA
Padme, Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, Anakin and R2 stealthily make their way toward the entrance to the main hangar. They are followed by about twenty Naboo guards, pilots and troops. They stop and Padme uses a small red laser light to signal across the plaza to Captain Panaka, Rabe and twenty Naboo troops. They signal back. Qui-Gon leans over to Anakin.
QUI-GON: Once we get inside, Anakin, you find a safe place to hide and stay there.
ANAKIN: Aw, c'mon, I'm not a little...
QUI-GON: Don't talk back now... you don't want to make daddy angry, now do you?
ANAKIN: No, "dad" (rolls eyes as Qui-Gon rubs his head again).
Droid troops mill about the tank-filled plaza. Naboo soldiers open fire on the battle droids. At the far end of the plaza, several droids begin to return fire. Padme and her group rush into the main hangar.
THEED - CENTRAL HANGAR
Alarms are sounding as Padme, the Jedi, Anakin and the troops rush into the hangar. Battle droids begin firing at them as they run for cover. Padme and the Jedi destroy several droids. Qui-Gon yells to Anakin to take cover, as Padme signals to her pilots.
PADME: Get to your ships!!
The pilots and their R2 units scramble aboard the Naboo fighters in the hangar bay. Anakin tries to hide behind a large container, but flees after it's hit by laser fire. He climbs into a nearby fighter and watches the ongoing battle. The Naboo fleet leaves the planet and heads toward the space station. As the fleet approaches the station, dozens of Federation fighters exit their hangars and attack.
THEED - CENTRAL HANGAR
PADME: (to Captain Panaka) My guess is the Viceroy is in the throne room.
PANAKA: (signals his troops) Red Group, Blue Group... everybody, this way!!
They head for the main exit, on the way passing Anakin, who stands up in the fighter cockpit and yells out to them.
ANAKIN: Hey! Wait for me!
QUI-GON: No, Anakin, you stay there. What did daddy tell you?
ANAKIN: But, I...
QUI-GON: (angrily points at Anakin) Right! That's it, young man! We'll discuss your punishment when I get back!
They head for the exit. Suddenly the door opens, revealing Darth Maul standing in the way, wearing a taped-up pair of broken sunglasses. Panaka, Padme and her troops freeze. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan step forward.
QUI-GON: (smiling) We'll handle this.
PADME: We'll go the long way.
Padme and the others turn and head for a side exit.
QUI-GON: I see you found your sunglasses. (points at Maul) Now I'm gonna finish teaching your menacing butt a lesson!
OBI-WAN: (overly-excited, bouncing up and down) Yeah man, we're gonna kick your Sith a...
DARTH MAUL: Bring it on, pretty boy! (Slowly grins).
Darth Maul and the two Jedi take off their robes and ignite their lightsabers. Both ends of Maul's sword light up.
OBI-WAN: A two-sided lightsaber? Is that fair?!
DARTH MAUL: Two Jedi? Is that fair?!
The Jedi begin to fight the Sith Lord, while at the far end of the hangar, three destroyer droids roll in and transform into their battle position. Anakin watches as the droids fire on Padme's group.
ANAKIN: Oh, no...
The droids' heavy fire have the group pinned down.
ANAKIN: We gotta do something, R2.
R2 whistles a reply. Suddenly, the ship's systems go on, and the ship begins to levitate. R2 continues to beep at Anakin.
ANAKIN: I'm trying to! I don't know where the trigger is! (pushes a button and the ship begins to turn toward the destroyer droids) Oops, wrong one. Maybe this one... (the glove compartment opens and a pack of cigarettes fall out, which Anakin slips into his pocket after looking around). Wait, here it is. (Pushes a second button and the hatch closes. Then lasers begin to fire, wiping out the droids, as R2 whistles a cheer) Yeah!!
PADME: Let's go!! (leads the group out of the hangar, into the palace).
ANAKIN: (nervously starts flipping various switches, as the fighter begins to taxi out of the hangar) Uh... it's on automatic pilot. (Puts helmet on, as the ship flies out of the hangar, headed into space) Try to override it!
Meanwhile, the Jedi are engaged in a fierce battle with Darth Maul. The Sith Lord's moves are incredible. He is fighting both Jedi at once, flipping into the air, outmaneuvering them at every turn, while managing to keep his sunglasses on. Then he kicks Qui-Gon down to the floor.
DARTH MAUL: Your powers are weak, old man!
QUI-GON: "Old man"?! (Infuriated, jumps up and charges Maul).
As Qui-Gon returns to the fight, Obi-Wan is knocked across the floor. After mumbling a few rude words, he quickly rejoins his Master. Both Jedi battle Maul to the edge of a high platform. The Jedi close in for the kill.
OBI-WAN: (pointing lightsaber at Maul) Ha-ha! Your little tattooed butt is mine!
The Sith Lord grins, then back-flips across to the other side. The Jedi look at each other dumbfounded, then jump over to Maul. Their fierce combat continues.
NABOO STARFIGHTER - COCKPIT
ANAKIN: Look! There they are! That's where the autopilot is taking us.
Anakin's fighter flies toward the Federation Battleship and he finds himself in the middle of the space battle. A ship explodes behind him.
ANAKIN: This is tense! I need a smoke. (takes out the pack of cigarettes).
R2 starts beeping and squawking wildly at Anakin.
ANAKIN: Whadya mean "causes cancer and emphysema"? The ads say that cigarettes are cool and really make the chicks dig you! (looks forward to see enemy ships approaching head on; panics and spills the cigarettes on the floor). Aw, crap!! R2, get us off autopilot, so we can get outta here!
R2 screams a reply.
ANAKIN: You did it, R2! Okay, let's go left!
He moves the controls left and the ship responds, turning left, as R2 beeps and whistles.
ANAKIN: Go back?! What do you think I'm trying to do?!
An enemy fighter comes into his sights. Anakin pushes the controls and instead of firing, his fighter accelerates past the enemy ship. Now, the ship is on his tail. He tries evasive maneuvers.
ANAKIN: I'll try spinning, that's a good trick.
Anakin rolls the ship as R2 beeps, whistles and squawks.
ANAKIN: I know we're in trouble! And if you don't stop cussin' at me, I'm gonna eject your rusty butt into space! Now just hold on!!
R2 beeps an apologetic reply. Then Anakin yanks on the reverse thrusters and the ship slows instantly -- the enemy fighter shoots past them and explodes into the space station.
THEED - PALACE - HALLWAY
Padme and the others are pinned down by more battle droids. Captain Panaka turns and blasts a hole in a large window across the hallway.
PANAKA: GO!!! (runs across the hallway with Padme and a few soldiers, as they make their way outside onto a ledge high above the waterfall below).
PADME: That move was brilliant, Captain. Unfortunately, I'm gonna have to deduct the repair bill from your next paycheck (turns away from Panaka).
Panaka glares at Padme and looks down at the waterfall, then back at Padme again. Then he notices Rabe staring at him.
PANAKA: (to Rabe) What are you looking at?
Rabe quickly turns away. Then Padme, Captain Panaka and the others pull small attachments out of their pistols and fire at a ledge about four stories above them. Thin cables shoot out of the pistols and are embedded into the ledge. Then the cable pulls them up to the higher ledge. Padme and Panaka each blast open a window. The group climbs into the hallway. They head down the long hall to the throne room.
PADME: Sorry, Captain. I'm afraid you'll have to pay for those last two windows as well.
PANAKA: Yes, Your Majesty.
PADME: I must say, Captain... you're taking these major payroll deductions rather calmly.
PANAKA: I will gladly do anything in the service of my queen. (slyly smiles, as he thinks to himself "little does that cow know, that when I was on Coruscant, I got another gig lined up as Palpatine's new bodyguard!").
THEED - POWER GENERATOR PIT
The laser sword battle continues on the small catwalk around the vast power pit. Darth Maul kicks Obi-Wan off one of the ramps and he falls two levels, screaming in a high-pitched voice.
QUI-GON: Why you...!! (smacks Maul off the ramp, sending him onto the ramp one level below, as the Sith's sunglasses keep falling).
DARTH MAUL: (looking over ramp edge, watching the sunglasses disappear into the pit) Darn it!! Those were Ray-Bans!
Qui-Gon jumps down after Maul. The Dark Lord kicks the Jedi Master away, then back flips up to his feet. Qui-Gon ferociously battles the Sith back down the catwalk into a hallway. Obi-Wan jumps up to the catwalk and runs to catch up.
THEED - POWER GENERATOR ELECTRIC BEAM - HALLWAY
The Sith Lord, pursued by Qui-Gon, backs into a long hallway filled with a series of deadly rays that go on and off in a pulsing pattern, shooting across the corridor every minute or so. Darth Maul makes it down several walls of deadly rays before they close. Qui-Gon is one wall away from the Sith Lord. Obi-Wan is just starting into it and is several walls way from Maul. He must wait until the next pulse to advance down the corridor. The apprentice is tense as he waits for the walls of rays to open. He pops a couple more of his Prozac pills. The Sith Lord paces and cracks a sinister smile, as he stares at Qui-Gon. Suddenly, Qui-Gon crosses his eyes, makes a goofy face and sticks his tongue out at Maul, who is shocked. The Sith starts mumbling something very rude. The Jedi smirks, then kneels and meditates.
THEED - PALACE - HALLWAY TO THRONE ROOM
Padme, Captain Panaka and the others approach the entrance of the throne room, when suddenly, two destroyer droids roll in front of the door. Padme turns around and sees two more approaching, trapping them in the middle.
PADME: (upset) Great!! This is just great! I can hear Qui-Gon's big mouth now: "see, I told ya this plan wouldn't work!" Throw down your weapons. They win this round. (Throws blaster down on the floor and angrily stomps foot). Crap!!
THEED - POWER GENERATOR ELECTRIC BEAM - HALLWAY
The electric rays cycle as Qui-Gon sits meditating. The wall of the deadly rays turn away, and Obi-Wan starts running toward Qui-Gon and the Dark Lord. When the wall between Qui-Gon and Darth Maul opens, Qui-Gon runs out to fight the Dark Lord with a ferocity not seen before. They move into the area at the end of the corridor called the melting pit, a small area that is mostly made up of a deep hole. The electron ray gates begin to close. Obi-Wan tries to make it to the melting pit but is caught one gate short. He slides to a stop, as he almost touches the deadly electron field. Qui-Gon and Darth Maul battle around the melting pit as a frustrated Obi-Wan watches. After Qui-Gon blocks one of Maul's blows, they momentarily pause, face to face.
QUI-GON (staring intently at Maul) Man! You sure are one ugly son-of-a-b...
Darth Maul's eyes grow large, as he becomes enraged. Then, catching Qui-Gon off guard, he quickly bashes his lightsaber handle into the Jedi's chin, and runs him through. Qui-Gon slumps to the floor in a heap, as Obi-Wan watches.
OBI-WAN: NOOOOO!!!
THEED - PALACE THRONE ROOM
Padme, Captain Panaka and the others are brought before Nute and Rune.
NUTE: Your liiittle insurreeection is at aaan end, Your Hiiighness.Time fooor you to siiign the treeeaty... aaand end this pooointless debaaate in the Seeenate.
PADME: (confused) What?!
Sabe, dressed like the Queen, appears in the doorway with several troops.
SABE: Viceroy! Your mama is a salamander!
Nute and Rune are stunned to see a second queen. Nute is particularly pissed about his mother being brought into this. He yells at the droid guards in the room.
NUTE: Aaafter her! Noooobody talks aboooout my maaama!
Most of the droids rush out of the throne room after Sabe. Padme sits on her throne and immediately hits a security button that opens a panel in one of the chair's arms. She grabs two pistols and calls to Panaka.
PADME: Captain! (tosses one of the pistols to Panaka and they both blast the rest of the battle droids).
PANAKA: (to his troops) Jam the doors!
The men rush to the door and jam the control panel. The Neimoidians are confused and afraid, especially Nute.
PADME: (with hands on hips, strolling up to Nute's face, smiling) Game Over, Viceroy!! (looks down at Nute's feet and notices he's had a little accident) Oh no you didn't, not on MY throne room floor!
Nute lowers his head, embarrassed.
NABOO STARFIGHTER - COCKPIT
As the Naboo squadron continues its attack on the space station, Anakin's fighter is hit, sending it into a spin. R2 and Anakin scream. Finally, the boy is able to regain control as his ship enters the space station hangar.
ANAKIN: I'm trying to stop! I'm trying to stop! Whoa!
Anakin hits the reverse thrusters and the ship skids to a stop on the hangar deck. R2 lets out a worried whistle.
ANAKIN: Everything's overheated. All the lights are red. It's not my fault!
R2 sees battle droids approaching, and beeps frantically.
ANAKIN: This is not good.
THEED - POWER GENERATOR - MELTING PIT
As the pulsing electron gate opens, Obi-Wan charges the Sith Lord and attacks him. He is relentless in his assault on Maul. With one powerful blow, Obi-Wan breaks Maul's lightsaber in two and discovers that the Sith's "awesome" weapon was nothing more than two plain lightsabers connected with duct tape. As Maul falls to the floor from the force of the blow, Obi-Wan laughs.
OBI-WAN: What a cheap piece of crap! Where did you get that thing from, "The Red Green Show"? True Value hardware store?
Fed-up with Obi-Wan's insults, Maul springs up from the floor, charging the Jedi with one of the halves from his original lightsaber. However, Obi-Wan is the better warrior and begins to gain the upper hand in their battle. As the Jedi blocks one of Maul's blows, he pauses momentarily in the Sith Lord's face.
OBI-WAN: (staring intently at Maul) Dang! You are one ugly son-of-a-b...
Pissed, Darth Maul uses the Force to throw the Jedi back over the edge of the melting pit. Obi-Wan is able to grab onto a nozzle on the inside of the pit, but can barely hang on. Maul kicks the Jedi's lightsaber down the endless shaft then strolls over to look down at him with an evil grin.
DARTH MAUL: I bet you'd be willing to kiss my little horny, ugly butt now to get outta the jam you're in, pretty boy!
Obi-Wan looks disgusted at Maul, as he thinks to himself "man, he's got horns on his butt too?"
NABOO STARFIGHTER - COCKPIT
Several battle droids surround Anakin's ship, as he watches the dashboard lights go from red to green.
ANAKIN: Yes! We have power. Shields up!
He flips a switch and the engine starts. Then he flips another switch and the ship levitates. Anakin fires lasers as the ship begins to rotate.
ANAKIN: Take this! And this!
He presses a button and launches two torpedoes which miss the droids.
ANAKIN: Ooops!
The two torpedoes fly down a hallway and explode inside the main reactor.
ANAKIN: (sarcastically, turning to the movie audience) Now what are odds of THAT happening?!
Anakin's ship roars through the hangar deck, knocking over the droids. He races out of the hold, just as the battleship is destroyed.
NABOO GRASS PLAINS
The Gungans have been defeated. Jar Jar and Captain Tarpals are approached by one of the droids. Suddenly, all of the droids begin breaking down. The Gungans start cheering as they realize they're victorious.
THEED - POWER GENERATOR - MELTING PIT
The Sith Lord grins as he goes in for the kill, striking the edge of the pit with his lightsaber, showering Obi-Wan with hot sparks.
OBI-WAN: OW!!! Hey cut it out, goat-boy!!
Maul laughs, as he continues showering Obi-Wan.
OBI-WAN: Enough of this crap!!
Suddenly, Obi-Wan jumps up out of the pit and calls Qui-Gon's lightsaber to him, catching Darth Maul off guard. The young Jedi swings with a vengeance, slicing the Sith Lord in two. Maul falls into the melting pit to his death. Obi-Wan rushes over to Qui-Gon, who is dying. He cradles his Master's head in his arms.
OBI-WAN: Master!
QUI-GON: Wha... What took you so long?
OBI-WAN: What?!
QUI-GON: I wore that Sith down pretty good. What took you so long to finish him off?
OBI-WAN: (upset) Look, I finished him, didn't I? I mean, I'M not the one down on the floor here dying!
QUI-GON: (angrily grabs Obi-Wan by the collar) I may be the one dying... but YOU'RE the one I'm coming back to haunt!
OBI-WAN: (frightened) What?! Oh Master please, I'll do anything, whatever you want! Please, just don't come back and haunt me!
QUI-GON: Alright then! I want you to promise... promise me you will train the boy.
OBI-WAN: Yes, Master... anything you say!
QUI-GON: I mean it! Train him... or else! (starts coughing hard in Obi-Wan's face, then releases his collar and dies).
OBI-WAN: (looks intently at Qui-Gon, making sure he's dead. Then gets angry) Yeah right!! (drops Qui-Gon's head on the floor, hard) Let's just see if I train that little brat of yours!
The apprentice sticks his tongue out at Qui-Gon, then stands and starts walking away. Suddenly, the other half of Maul's broken lightsaber ignites and is speared toward him. Obi-Wan jumps out of the way just in time, as the sword crashes into the wall. Terrified, he looks over at Qui-Gon, then turns and runs away.
MAIN HANGAR - COURTYARD
The large grand cruiser of the Supreme Chancellor lands in the courtyard of the main hangar. Captain Panaka and several troops guard Nute Gunray and Rune Haako. Obi-Wan, the queen and her handmaidens stand before the Neimoidians.
AMIDALA: Now, Viceroy, you are going to have to go back to the Senate and explain all this. And you'll be receiving a cleaning bill for my floor.
PANAKA: I think you can kiss your Trade franchise good-bye.
The main ramp of the cruiser is lowered as Obi-Wan and Captain Panaka lead the Viceroy and Rune toward the ship. Supreme Chancellor Palpatine and several Republic guards descend the walkway. The Chancellor winks at Panaka as he passes; Panaka nods and smiles back. Then Palpatine stops by Obi-Wan and Anakin.
PALPATINE: We are indebted to you for your bravery, Obi-Wan Kenobi. And you, young Skywalker... we shall watch your career with great interest.
Anakin looks at the pocket where the queen's stolen earrings were and flashes a sinister smile at Palpatine, who nervously smiles back. The Chancellor hastily turns and walks over to the queen, still smiling.
AMIDALA: Congratulations on your election, Chancellor. Now where are my new earrings?
PALPATINE: (thinks to himself "darn, the silly teenager remembered that!") Oh, yes, yes. I regret that I do not have them with me at this time... (notices the queen glaring back) the, uh, jeweler is putting the final touches on his masterpiece. I assure you that the earrings will soon be in your possession, for you to treasure forever!
AMIDALA: I certainly hope so. I would hate for it to be said that you are not a man of your word, Chancellor (smugly turns and strolls away).
PALPATINE: Of course, Your Majesty. (Thinks to himself "how dare she threaten me, the silly teenager! Just wait. I'll make her regret the day she ever crossed my path... her AND that little Skywalker brat!")
TURRET ROOM - NABOO PALACE
The sun streams into the multi-windowed room at a low angle. It is almost sunset. Yoda paces before Obi-Wan, who is kneeling in the center of the room.
YODA: Confer on you, the level of Jedi Knight the Council does. But agree with your taking this boy as your Padawan learner, I do not.
OBI-WAN: Well Master Yoda, tough s...
YODA: WHAT?!?! Think you that being a Jedi Knight gives you the right to speak to me as you may?
OBI-WAN: (cockily) As a matter of fact, I do. And, I'm gonna train Qui-Gon's kid, too. Without the approval of the Council if I must.
YODA: What?! What mean you, "Qui-Gon's kid"? No child had Qui-Gon... married, he was not!
OBI-WAN: Hello? Since when did a Jedi have to be married to father a child?
YODA: (angrily) Since the beginning of the Jedi! For it is written: it shall be with honor... it shall be within marriage... it shall be with a chosen bride... it...
OBI-WAN: "It" was a one-night stand! Geez man, get real! I mean, like it or not, we Jedi are not always as perfect as you might...
Yoda, in denial, starts loudly singing the old Jedi Academy Fight Song, drowning out Obi-Wan. Frustrated, he finally leaves, because Yoda's singing is much worse than Jar Jar's.
THEED - CENTRAL PLAZA - FUNERAL TEMPLE
Qui-Gon's body is in flames as the Jedi Council, Obi-Wan, Anakin, the queen, Sio Bibble, Captain Panaka, Jar Jar, Boss Nass, Palpatine and several guards, staff and Gungans watch. Anakin turns to Obi-Wan.
ANAKIN: What will happen to me now?
OBI-WAN: The Council has granted me permission to train you. (arrogantly) Look, I'm your Master now, kid. You step outta line just once, and I'm gonna bust your butt so hard...
Suddenly, a small piece of burning cloth floats from Qui-Gon's body onto Obi-Wan's hood. He jumps as the flame burns him. Then he beats on his head, hard, to put out the fire. Perplexed and frightened, the Jedi looks over at Qui-Gon, then back at Anakin, who's eerily smiling at him.
OBI-WAN: (nervously) Uh... look, Anakin, don't worry... you will become a Jedi, I promise.
They both turn and watch Qui-Gon, as Obi-Wan continues to rub the top of his head. At the other end of the room, Mace Windu turns to Yoda.
MACE: There is no doubt. The mysterious warrior was a Sith.
YODA: Always two there are... no more... no less. A Master and an apprentice.
MACE: But which was destroyed, the Master or the apprentice?
They give each other a concerned look, as someone behind them speaks up.
PANAKA: Shhh! Hey you two, pipe down!
THEED - CENTRAL PLAZA
The next day, there is a grand victory parade. The crowd cheers. Queen Amidala stands atop the palace steps, next to Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, Governor Sio Bibble and the Jedi Council. Anakin, dressed as a Jedi apprentice, and Obi-Wan watch from the side. Leading the parade are Boss Nass, Jar Jar and Captain Tarpals. They stop before the queen. Nass walks up the steps to stand by her side. She hands him the Globe of Peace. He holds it up high.
BOSS NASS: PEACE!!!
Everyone cheers. The queen looks over and smiles at Anakin, who winks back and blows her a kiss. Amidala jumps out in front of Sio Bibble, pretending to catch the invisible kiss. Bibble frowns, while mumbling "silly teenager!". Except for the Governor, there is happiness throughout the land.
END
The Adventures of Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan
May the Force be with you!
Part Nine Part One
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