Georgette's World Star Wars Pictures Humor -- Episode I Phantom Menace Movie Script Parody
Return of the Jediman
TEMPLE OF THE JEDI - COUNCIL CHAMBERS
It is evening. Anakin, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon stand before the members of the Jedi Council.
KI-ADI: The Force is strong with him.
QUI-GON: He's to be trained, then.
MACE: No. He will not be trained.
QUI-GON: (angrily yelling) No?! Are you guys nuts?!
Obi-Wan looks away, smirking.
MACE: Look, he is too old... and very rude, with a temper almost as bad as yours!
QUI-GON: (angrily glares at Mace) What temper?! (tries to calm down) Oh yeah, that. Look, I'm working on it, okay?! (nervously clears throat) Anyway... Anakin is the chosen one... you must see it!
YODA: Hmmm... clouded, this boy's future is.
QUI-GON: (angrily yelling, again) Fine!! Forget all y'all, then!! I'll train him myself!! I take Anakin as my Padawan learner!! (Puts hands on Anakin's shoulders).
Obi-Wan is disturbed.
YODA: An apprentice, you have, Qui-Gon. Impossible, to take on a second.
MACE: The codes forbids it! And if you don't stop yelling, I'm gonna start reciting some scripture, then go medieval on your a...
QUI-GON: (nervously interrupts, trying to calm down again) I'm sorry, Master Jedi... but Obi-Wan is ready.
OBI-WAN: (looks confused at Qui-Gon) I am? (Qui-Gon glares back) Oh, yeah. Right. I am ready to face the trials.
YODA: Our own counsel will we keep on who's ready.
QUI-GON: He is headstrong, and somewhat obnoxious. And he has much to learn about prescription drug abuse. (Looks over at Obi-Wan, who is opening his bottle of Prozac). But he is capable. There is little more he can learn from me.
OBI-WAN: (pops pills in mouth, looks over to see Qui-Gon staring at him) What?
Qui-Gon just turns away, shaking his head.
YODA: Young Skywalker's fate will be decided later.
MACE: Look Qui-Gon, now is not the time for this crap! The Senate is voting for a new Supreme Chancellor and Queen Amidala is returning home, which will put pressure on the Federation and could widen the confrontation.
KI-ADI: And draw out the Queen's attacker.
MACE: Go with the Queen to Naboo and discover the identity of the dark warrior. That is the clue we need to unravel this mystery of the Sith.
YODA: May the Force be with you.
QUI-GON: (mumbling) Whatever.
Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon and Anakin leave.
CORUSCANT - SENATE LANDING PLATFORM
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are talking. A few yards away, Anakin pretends to be examining R2-D2, while trying to eavesdrop on the Jedi's conversation. Unfortunately, R2's beeping and squeaking is making it hard for the boy to hear.
OBI-WAN: It is not disrespect, Master, it is the truth.
QUI-GON: From your point of view.
OBI-WAN: The boy is a rotten little brat. They all see it. Why can't you?
QUI-GON: (angrily) He is not a brat! You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Obi-Wan. It's clear that you simply don't like the boy! You act as if you're jealous or something.
OBI-WAN: (upset) Jealous?! That's ridiculous! I, I don't feel the least bit threatened by that little... besides, you're spending so much time with him now, maybe I should just give HIM this stupid haircut and my robes, and call it quits!! (starts crying) I thought you wanted ME for your apprentice! But no, as soon as I turn my back, you replace me, just like that! (hysterically) I feel so cheap, so used! Just another on a list of your many padawans! I thought I meant something more to you!! (takes hankerchief out and blows nose, hard) Now you're just gonna toss me away, like this dirty, used hanky!! (Throws hanky over platform edge, down on the unsuspecting pedestrians on the street below) You love him, don't you?! (Qui-Gon slowly nods, while looking disgusted with Obi-Wan). Okay, fine. (starts calming down, sniffing) I understand. When we come back from Naboo, I won't get in the way!
QUI-GON: (indignantly) WHAT?! Why, you sick little... the boy is my SON!!!
OBI-WAN: (embarrassed, nervously starts playing with braid) Oh... really?! Oh... yeah. I knew that. I could tell... you two do kinda look alike... and he does have your bad temper.
QUI-GON: (raises hand to smack Obi-Wan, who cowers) What temper?! (points at Obi-Wan) Listen you, the Council would re-assign me to some desk job, if they knew I had a kid to take care of! So if you tell anyone about Anakin, I'll...
OBI-WAN: Punish me very, very severely?
QUI-GON: (notices Obi-Wan smiling) Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you? (folds arms) Well, maybe I'll just get rid of YOUR butt instead. I'll talk to Yoda about assigning you to, oh I don't know... Tatooine, maybe? You can just live out the rest of your days as a crazy old man, wandering the desert, chasing Tusken Raiders. Who knows, maybe someday a princess will even ask you to come and help her. If you're lucky, you may get to go on one last adventure before you finally dry-up and fade away!
OBI-WAN: (stunned, then starts to laugh nervously) Oh Master, you're such a great kidder! (stops laughing when he notices Qui-Gon isn't laughing) Uh... Master, your secret IS safe with me.
QUI-GON: Good! See that it stays that way. Now get your little twisted butt on board the ship!
Obi-Wan bows and quickly boards the Naboo spacecraft followed by R2-D2. Anakin goes over to Qui-Gon.
ANAKIN: Qui-Gon, sir. I don't wanna to be a problem.
QUI-GON: You won't be, Anakin. I'm not allowed to train you. Anyway, Obi-Wan would have a cow even if I tried, so I want you to watch me and be mindful. Always remember, your focus determines your reality. Stay close to me, my son, and you will be safe.
ANAKIN: Master, sir...
QUI-GON: And that's another thing. Don't call me Master, or Sir, or Lord.
ANAKIN: (confused) Well, what should I call you, then?
QUI-GON: Oh, I don't know... how about something a little less formal. Like, ah... "dad". Yeah, I like that. Just call me "dad" from now on, okay? (Rubs Anakin's head).
ANAKIN: (cautiously, because he thinks Qui-Gon's losing it again) Ooo-kay, "dad". Anyway, I heard Yoda talking about midi-chlorians. I've been wondering... what are midi-chlorians?
QUI-GON: Well, my son, midi-chlorians are a microscopic lifeform that reside within all living cells.
ANAKIN: They live inside me?
QUI-GON: Inside your cells, yes. We are symbionts with them.
ANAKIN: Symbionts?
QUI-GON: Life forms living together for mutual advantage. Without the midi-chlorians, life could not exist and we would have no knowledge of the Force. They continually speak to us, telling us the will of the Force. When you learn to quiet your mind, you will hear them speaking to you.
ANAKIN: (smirks) You really believe that crap?
QUI-GON: (sneers and looks away) Are you kidding?! I just go along with it so I don't have to keep taking those stupid Republic Loyalty Oaths.
Qui-Gon and Anakin share a rare father-son laugh together. Qui-Gon continues to smile at the boy, as two shuttles pull up. Captain Panaka, two dozen troops, guards and officers walk briskly toward the ship, followed by Queen Amidala, Padme, Eirtae, and finally, Jar Jar. Amidala and her handmaidens stop before Qui-Gon.
QUI-GON: Your Highness, it is our pleasure to continue to serve and protect you.
AMIDALA: I welcome your help. Senator Palpatine fears the Federation means to destroy me.
QUI-GON: I assure you, I will not let that happen.
Amidala, Qui-Gon, Anakin and the others enter the ship, followed by Jar Jar.
JAR JAR: Weesa goen home!
As Jar Jar boards the ship, he does some kinda goofy "happy dance", until he slips and falls off the edge of the ramp, hitting the ground, hard. Dazed, he finally staggers on board the ship, which takes off for Naboo.
NABOO PALACE - THRONE ROOM - THEED
Nute and Rune stand before a hologram of Darth Sidious.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Is the planet secure?
NUTE: (studying the hologram, perplexed) Uhhh... we haaave taken ooover the last pockeeets of primiiitive life forms. We are in cooomplete controool of the plaaanet now.
DARTH SIDIOUS: What? Oh, yes, yes. Good. I will see to it that in the Senate, things stay as they are. I am sending my apprentice, Darth Maul, to join you.
NUTE: Yeees, my Looord (looks over at Rune, who's seems equally confused).
Sidious fades off.
RUNE: So now he's wearing earrings?
NUTE: Yes, and what's worse... I think he winked at me!
SPACE - NABOO SPACECRAFT COCKPIT
Anakin stands next to Ric Olie, pointing to various buttons and gauges.
ANAKIN: And that one?
RIC OLIE: Those are the forward stabilizers.
ANAKIN: And those control the pitch?
RIC OLIE: You catch on pretty quick. (Thinks to himself "man, this kid sure does ask a lotta nosey questions!")
NABOO SPACECRAFT - QUEEN'S CHAMBERS
The handmaidens stand behind Queen Amidala as she talks with Qui-Gon and Captain Panaka. Obi-Wan and Jar Jar watch.
PANAKA: As soon as we land the Federation will arrest you and force you to sign the treaty.
QUI-GON: I agree. I'm not sure what you wish to accomplish by this.
AMIDALA: I'm going to take back my stuff!
PANAKA: (looks worriedly at the Queen, wondering if Bibble was right about this "silly teenager" thing) Uh... there are too few of us, Your Highness. We have no army.
QUI-GON: And I can only protect you. I cannot fight a war for you.
AMIDALA: Jar Jar Binks!
Jar Jar looks around, puzzled.
JAR JAR: Meesa?
AMIDALA: (sighs and rolls eyes) Who else. Look, I need your help.
NABOO CRUISER COCKPIT
The Naboo Cruiser heads toward the lush green planet. There is only one Federation battle cruiser orbiting. Obi-Wan and Captain Panaka spot it on the view screen.
RIC OLIE: I have one battleship on my scope.
OBI-WAN: It's a droid control ship.
PANAKA: They've probably spotted us.
OBI-WAN: We haven't much time.
NABOO SWAMP
The Naboo spacecraft has landed in the Gungan swamp. Troops unload the ships in the background as Obi-Wan approaches Qui-Gon.
OBI-WAN: Jar Jar is on his way to the Gungan city, Master.
QUI-GON: Good.
OBI-WAN: Do you think the Queen's idea will work? (Qui-Gon just smirks at Obi-Wan) I'm... I'm sorry for my behavior earlier, Master. I'm usually not prone to crying fits like that... well, as long as I keep my prescriptions filled. I just want to reassure you that your secret is safe. And I am grateful you think I'm ready to take the trials.
QUI-GON: (hesitantly) Uh, yes... about the trials, Obi-Wan. Actually, I DON'T think you're ready. I was just feeding Windu some much-deserved b.s. You've been a good apprentice, Obi-Wan... well, most of the time. But I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for YOU to be knighted.
Qui-Gon smugly walks away, as Obi-Wan sticks his tongue out at him, this time while giving him the finger. Qui-Gon spins around quickly, but Obi-Wan's still faster, as he pretends to be cleaning his fingernails.
NABOO SWAMP LAKE
Jar Jar exits the swamp lake and walks over to Captain Panaka, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon. Queen Amidala, Padme, the handmaidens, Anakin, R2-D2, four pilots and eight guards stand in the background near the starship.
JAR JAR: Dare-sa nobody dare. Da Gungan city is deserted. All gone. Some kinda fight, me tink.
OBI-WAN: Do you think they have been taken to camps?
PANAKA: More than likely they were wiped out.
JAR JAR: No... meesa no tink so. Gungan hiden.
QUI-GON: Do you know where they are?
JAR JAR: When in trouble, Gungans go to sacred place. Meesa show you, come on, meesa show you.
The group follows Jar Jar as he moves through the swamp.
NABOO SACRED TEMPLE RUINS
Jar Jar, Queen Amidala, Anakin, Captain Panaka, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, Padme and the rest of the group are found by Captain Tarpals, who leads them to a clearing full of Gungan refugees. At the far end are the ruins of a grand temple with massive carved heads. Boss Nass and several other Council members walk out on the top of a three-quarter-submerged head.
TARPALS: Your Honor, Queen Amidala of the Naboo.
JAR JAR: Ah, hello dare de big boss, Your Honor.
BOSS NASS: Jar Jar Binks. Who's da uss-en others?!
Amidala steps forward.
AMIDALA: I am Queen Amidala of the Naboo. I come before you in peace.
BOSS NASS: Ah, Naboo biggen. Yousa bringen da Mackineeks. Yousa all bombad.
AMIDALA: (angrily) What?! Look, we have searched your butt out, 'cause we wish to form an alliance to fight the Trade Federation. And now you're gonna start acting a fool, you frog-faced...
Suddenly, Padme steps forward.
PADME: Your Honor...
BOSS NASS: Whosa dis?
PADME: I am Queen Amidala. (points to other "Queen") This is my decoy... my protection... my loyal, if somewhat rude, bodyguard.
Anakin is stunned. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon try to fool each other with a knowing look, when neither one of them knew Padme was really the Queen.
PADME: I am sorry for my deception, but it was necessary to protect myself. Although we do not always agree, Your Honor, our two great societies have always lived in peace. The Trade Federation has destroyed all that we have worked so hard to build. If we do not act quickly, all of our stuff will be lost forever. I ask you to help us. No, I BEG you to help us (drops to her knees before Boss Nass). We are your humble servants. Our fate is in your hands.
Slowly, Captain Panaka, his troops, the handmaidens, Anakin, Jar Jar and the Jedi bow down before the Gungan Council. The Gungans are puzzled by this. There is an uneasy silence as everyone waits to hear from Boss Nass. Finally, Nass begins laughing.
BOSS NASS: HAAAAA!! HAAAAA!! HAAAAA!! Yousa no tinken yousa greater den da Gungans? Hee, hee, meesa like dis. Maybe weesa start bein friends. (shakes head wildly, slobbering everywhere, hitting everyone. Disgusted, they wipe the slobber off themselves) Ooops! Meesa so sorry.
NABOO PALACE - THRONE ROOM
Nute, Rune and Darth Maul stand before a hologram of Darth Sidious.
NUTE: We've seeent out patroools. We've alreeeady locaaated their staaarship in the swamp. It wooon't be looong, My Looord.
DARTH SIDIOUS: What? Oh, yes, yes. This is an unexpected move for her, the silly teenager. It's too aggressive. Lord Maul, be mindful. Be patient. Let them make the first move.
DARTH MAUL: Yes, my Master. (smiles) Oh, and by the way, I do love your new earrings.
DARTH SIDIOUS: (surprised) What?! Oh, bugger! (Struggles to take the earrings off, as the hologram fades away).
NABOO EDGE OF SWAMP/GRASS PLAINS
A Gungan sentry sits on top of the ancient temple head, searching the landscape with a pair of electrobinoculars. He sees something and yells down to Anakin at the foot of the statue.
GUNGAN SENTRY: Daza comen!
ANAKIN: All right. They're here!
Anakin yells and runs over to Padme and the Jedi, who are discussing a battle plan. Four speeders pull up to the group. Captain Panaka and a dozen or so guards and pilots pile out and join the group. Boss Nass walks up to Jar Jar and puts his arm around him.
BOSS NASS: Yousa doen grand. Jar Jar bringen Gungans and da Naboo together.
JAR JAR: (blushing) Oh, no, no, no...
BOSS NASS: So, weesa maken yousa Bombad General.
JAR JAR: General?! Oh, no...
Jar Jar's eyes roll back and his tongue flops out as he faints. Boss Nass jumps back out of the way, letting Jar Jar hit the ground, hard. Then he laughs and walks over to Padme and the others.
PADME: What is the situation?
PANAKA: Almost everyone's in camps. A few hundred police and guards have formed an underground resistance movement. I brought as many of the leaders as I could. The Federation Army's also much larger than we thought... and much stronger. Your Highness, this is a battle I do not think that we can win.
PADME: The battle is a diversion. The Gungans must draw the Droid Army away from the cities. R2. (R2 projects a hologram layout of Theed Palace). We can enter the city using the secret passages on the waterfall side. Once we get to the main entrance, Captain Panaka will create a diversion, then we can enter the palace and capture the Viceroy. Without the Viceroy, they will be lost and confused.
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan look on with interest.
QUI-GON: (dubiously) Hmmm... well, I think that the Viceroy will be too well guarded, and...
PADME: Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I distinctly remember NOT asking what you think, Master Jedi!
Qui-Gon glares at Padme, while Obi-Wan chuckles.
PANAKA: The difficulty's getting into the throne room. Once we're inside, we shouldn't have a problem.
QUI-GON: (still glaring at Padme) There is a possibility with this diversion many Gungans will be killed!
PADME: Your point being? (sighs) Look, we have a plan which should immobilize the Droid Army. We'll send what pilots we have to knock out the Droid control ship orbiting the planet.
QUI-GON: (snidely) Good luck! You're gonna need it... considering the weapons on your puny little fighters may not penetrate the shields.
PADME: What?! Oh man, you've got a gloom and doom reply to everything I say! (throws hands up) Alright, fine! Everybody, let's call it quits and go home. Master Jedi here says it's just not safe enough to go fight for our stuff! Oh wait! I just remembered... we've been forced outta OUR homes! Well, gee... I guess we've just gotta muster a little courage and fight!
Qui-Gon is furious. He walks over to Obi-Wan, who's now laughing hysterically, and slaps him on the back of his head, hard. Then he walks up to Padme, nostrils flaring.
QUI-GON: Alright, Buffy! You'd better be right about this! If I get killed, I'm coming back to haunt you, (turns to Obi-Wan) AND you!!
PADME: (confused) "Buffy"? Who's Buffy?!
OBI-WAN: (frightened) "Haunt" me?!
Qui-Gon just turns and walks away from both of them.
Game Over
Part Eight
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