Georgette's World Star Wars Pictures Humor -- Episode I Phantom Menace Movie Script Parody
Not Just Politics As Usual
CORUSCANT - CITYSCAPE - NABOO SPACECRAFT
It's morning, as the spacecraft flies over the endless cityscape of Coruscant, the capital of the galaxy. Anakin looks out the cockpit window in awe.
RIC OLIE: Coruscant! The entire planet is one big city. There's Chancellor Valorum's shuttle. And look, there's Senator Palpatine waiting for...
ANAKIN: Wow, look... there's McDonald's!!
The ship flies through the cityscape of Coruscant, toward the Senate landing platform.
CORUSCANT - SENATE LANDING PLATFORM
Supreme Chancellor Valorum, several guards and Senator Palpatine stand on the landing platform. The sleek Naboo spacecraft lands on the platform high above the street level of the galactic capital. The ramp lowers. Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, Jar Jar and Anakin descend the ramp first and bow before Palpatine and Valorum. Captain Panaka, two guards, Queen Amidala, Padme, the handmaidens and more guards descend the ramp. Amidala stops before the group. Padme smiles at Anakin, who smiles back. Palpatine smiles at the Queen.
PALPATINE: It is a great gift to see you alive, Your Majesty. With the communications breakdown, we've been very concerned. May I present Supreme Chancellor Valorum.
VALORUM: Welcome, Your Highness. It is an honor to finally meet you in person. I must relay to you how distressed everyone is over the current situation. I've called for a special session of the Senate to hear your posi...
AMIDALA: Yada, yada, yada. (nonchalantly) Look, I'm grateful for your concern, Chancellor... (puts a piece of candy in her mouth) Really I am. (Hands Valorum the empty wrapper and walks away).
VALORUM: Well, I never!!
Palpatine smirks at Valorum, then turns to lead Queen Amidala and her staff toward the waiting shuttle. Then Anakin sees one of the Queen's long, dangling diamond earrings fall to the ground. But before he can say anything, Palpatine sneakily swoops it up and puts it into his pocket.
PALPATINE: There is a question of procedure, but I feel confident we can overcome it...
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon stay behind with the Supreme Chancellor.
VALORUM: (still upset, watching Amidala board the shuttle) Did you see what that silly teenager just did?!
QUI-GON: Uh, yeah. Your Honor, I must speak with the Jedi Council immediately. The situation has become more complicated.
PALPATINE'S QUARTERS
Queen Amidala is sitting, listening to Senator Palpatine. The handmaidens stand behind her. Anakin and Jar Jar are waiting outside in an adjoining room. Captain Panaka enters and goes into the room with the Queen. Palpatine is pacing as Panaka enters.
PALPATINE: There is no civility, only politics. The Republic is not what it once was. The Senate is full of greedy, squabbling delegates. There is no interest in the common good. I must be frank, Your Majesty. There is little chance the Senate will act on the invasion.
AMIDALA: Chancellor Valorum seems to think there is hope.
PALPATINE: If I may say, Your Majesty, the Chancellor has little real power... he is mired down by baseless accusations of corruption. Besides, I think you may have really pissed him off back there at the landing platform.
AMIDALA: Oh. Yeah. Well, what other options have we? (Starts rubbing her left ear and discovers the earring missing).
PALPATINE: Our best choice would be to push for the election of a stronger Supreme Chancellor. One who will control the bureaucrats, and give us justice. You... could... call for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorum.
AMIDALA: He's been our strongest supporter. Well, he WAS our strongest supporter (Starts looking around at the floor).
PALPATINE: Our only other choice would to be to submit a plea to the courts...
AMIDALA: The courts take even longer to decide things than the Senate. Our people are dying, Senator. We must do something quickly to stop the Federation. (Starts looking under coffee table).
PALPATINE: To be realistic, Your Majesty, I'd say we're going to have to accept Federation control for the time being. Uh... pardon me, but did you lose something?
AMIDALA: (still searching) Why yes, one of my favorite and most valuable diamond earrings. The only other pair I have with me are those cheap cubic zirconias from the Galactic Shopping Network. I've got to find it... it must be here, somewhere! (looks up to Palpatine) Have you seen it, Senator?
PALPATINE: (sadly) Why no, my dear. This is a great tragedy, indeed. I'm afraid you'll just have to do with the other pair... or don't accessorize at all.
AMIDALA: That is something I cannot do.
TEMPLE OF THE JEDI
A unique building with it tall spires stands out against the Coruscant skyline. A small transport passes by the vast temple. Qui-Gon stands in a tall stately room. Twelve Jedi leaders sit in a semi-circle. Obi-Wan stands behind Qui-Gon in the center of the room. The Senior Jedi is Mace Windu. To to his right is Jedi Master Yoda, and seated next to him is a Jedi named Ki-Adi-Mundi.
QUI-GON: He was trained in the Jedi arts. My only conclusion can be that it was a Sith Lord.
KI-ADI: Impossible! The Sith have been extinct for a millennium.
MACE: I do not believe they could have returned without us knowing.
YODA: Ah... hard to see, the dark side is.
MACE: We will use all our resources here to unravel this mystery and discover the identity of your attacker. May the Force be with you.
Obi-Wan turns to leave, but Qui-Gon continues to face the Council.
YODA: Master Qui-Gon, more to say have you?
QUI-GON: With your permission, my Master. I have encountered a vergence in the Force.
YODA: A vergence, you say?
MACE: Located around a person?
QUI-GON: A boy... his cells have the highest concentration of midi-chlorians I have seen in a life form (mumbles to himself "well, except mine"). It is possible he was conceived by the midi-chlorians.
MACE: (smirks) Yeah right! That's just a bunch of hooey, invented to be an opiate of the people... (notices the other Council members staring at him in shock) Uh, well, that's according to those evil, lying, Communist Siths! Darn Red Menace! Fortunately, we don't believe any of that Sith-commie crap, do we boys? (The other members begin whispering to one another, while eyeing Mace). Uh... (nervously, to Qui-Gon) Anyway, the uh, current threat to our Republic is coming from this Phantom Menace you described earlier (notices the other Council members are still more interested in him than in Qui-Gon) So... uh... you refer to the prophesy of the one who will bring balance to the Force... (loudly) you uh, believe it's this boy?!
The others finally fix their attention back on Qui-Gon.
QUI-GON: I don't presume...
YODA: But you do! Revealed, your opinion is.
QUI-GON: I request the boy be tested.
The Jedi all look to one another.
YODA: Oh, trained as a Jedi, you request for him?
QUI-GON: Finding him was the will of the Force... I have no doubt of that.
MACE: (sighs and holds his head down) Bring him before us, then.
Qui-Gon bows and leaves the room with Obi-Wan.
OBI-WAN: (whispering to Qui-Gon, looking back at Mace) Man, he really looks beat. Maybe I should ask him if he'd like some Proz...
QUI-GON: You'd better stop passing those things out. You've already reached your maximum prescription allowance for this year.
YODA: (watches Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon leave, then turns to Mace) The others and I were wondering... taken the Republic Loyalty Oath, have you?
MACE: (worriedly) Of course I have. Come on you guys, gimme a break! (laughs nervously) Next thing, you'll be asking me if I was ever a member of the Sith Party!
YODA: ...Well?
QUEENS QUARTERS - CORUSCANT
Anakin walks down a long hallway in Senator Palpatine's apartment. He stops before a door that is flanked by a guard.
GUARD: (into comlink) The boy is here to see Padme.
RABE: Let him come in.
The doors open, and Anakin enters the Queen's quarters. The Queen speaks out of the next room.
AMIDALA: Who is it?
RABE: Anakin Skywalker, to see Padme, Your Highness.
The Queen moves into the doorway and looks at Anakin, who bows.
AMIDALA: I've sent Padme on an errand.
ANAKIN: I'm on my way to the Jedi temple to start my training, I hope. I may never see her again... so I came to say good-bye.
AMIDALA: We will tell her for you. We're sure her heart goes with you.
ANAKIN: Thank you, Your Highness. (nervously) Uh, about what you were talking about with the Senator earlier. I know who took...
The door opens and Palpatine enters.
PALPATINE: (bowing to the Queen) Ah, Your Majesty. I've come to escort you to the shuttle.
AMIDALA: Thank you, Senator. I'll be out in a moment.
The Queen disappears behind the doorway. Palpatine looks around and notices Anakin staring at him... and the pocket where he put the earring.
PALPATINE: Well young man, you'd better be running along... it's almost time for Teletubbies (pats Anakin's head, with a fake laugh; the boy rolls his eyes and leaves the room).
CORUSCANT - GALACTIC SENATE BUILDING
A large, distinctive looking domed building stands out amid the cityscape of Coruscant. Inside, the Senate chamber is huge. Thousands of Senators and their Aides sit in the circular assembly area. Chancellor Valorum sits in an elevated area in the center. Senator Palpatine, Queen Amidala, Rabe and Captain Panaka sit in the Naboo congressional platform, which floats like a small, round speeder.
VALORUM: The Chair recognizes the Senator from the sovereign system of Naboo.
The Naboo congressional box floats into the center of the chamber.
PALPATINE: Supreme Chancellor, delegates of the Senate. A tragedy has occurred which started right here with the taxation of trade routes... and has now engulfed our entire planet in the oppression of the Trade Federation.
A second box rushes into the center of the Senate. It is filled with Federation trade barons led by Lott Dod, the Senator for the Federation, who happens to sound kinda like another Senator Lott, from Mississippi.
LOTT DOD: This is, I say, this is outrageous! I object to this here Senator's scandalourious statements!
VALORUM: (whispers to aide) Is "scandalourious" even a word? (to Lott) The Chair does not recognize the Senator from the Trade Federation at this time.
PALPATINE: To state our allegations, I present Queen Amidala, the recently elected ruler of Naboo, who speaks on our behalf.
Queen Amidala stands to address the assembly.
AMIDALA: Honorable representatives of the Republic. I come to you under the gravest of circumstances. Naboo has been invaded by the Droid Armies of the Trade...
LOTT DOD: Now just one cotton-pickin' minute here! I object, dog-gonnit! There ain't no kinda proof. This is incredible. That dog just won't hunt! We recommend a commission be sent to Naboo to ascertain the truthfulness of that there accusation!
A third box representing Malastare moves into the center of the room. Aks Moe, the Ambassador, addresses the convention.
AKS MOE: The Congress of Malastare concurs with the honorable delegate from the Trade Federation. A commission must be appointed.
VALORUM: The point... (covers microphone).
Valorum confers with Vice Chairman Mas Amedda. Palpatine whispers to the Queen.
PALPATINE: (eyeing the Queen's other loosely hanging earring) Enter the bureaucrats, the true rulers of the Republic, and on the payroll of the Trade Federation, I might add. This is where Chancellor Valorum's strength will disappear.
VALORUM: The point is conceded. Will you defer your motion to allow a commission to explore the validity of your accusations?
AMIDALA: I will not defer! (Sternly bangs hand on console, causing the other earring to fall off, which is caught with split-second precision by Palpatine). I have come before you to resolve this attack on our sovereignty now. I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die while you discuss this invasion in a committee. If this body is not capable of action, I suggest new leadership is needed. I move for a "vote of no confidence" in Chancellor Valorum's leadership.
VALORUM: What the...?! Why you little two-faced, double-crossing, back-stabbing, silly teenager!!
This causes a great stir in the assembly. A loud murmur crescendos into a roar of approval and chants of "vote now, vote now!". Chancellor Valorum collapses in his chair, cursing the Queen. His Vice Chair, Mas Amedda, takes over.
MAS AMEDDA: Order!
PALPATINE: (to Queen, while slipping the second earring into his pocket) Now they will elect a new Chancellor. A strong Chancellor. One who will not let our tragedy continue... or call you rude names.
PALACE OF THE JEDI - BALCONY
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon walk outside the palace onto a balcony, as the sun sets over the city.
OBI-WAN: The boy will not pass the Council's tests, Master. He is too old.
QUI-GON: Anakin will become a Jedi... I promise you.
OBI-WAN: Come on, don't defy the Council, Master... not again!
QUI-GON: I shall do what I must, Obi-Wan.
OBI-WAN: (angrily) You know, if you would just stop being such a stubborn old goat and follow the code, you would be on the Council by now! You need to start worrying about your future, man! You're sure not getting any younger, you know!!
QUI-GON: (puts his hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder and squeezes hard, as the apprentice winces in pain) You just don't know when to shut-up, do you, my young apprentice?
PALACE OF THE JEDI - COUNCIL CHAMBERS
Anakin stands before the Twelve Jedi. Mace Windu, his chest now covered with patriotic badges and ribbons, holds a small hand-held viewing screen. Various images appear across the screen.
ANAKIN: A ship. A cup. A speeder.
Mace turns the viewing screen off and nods toward Yoda.
YODA: Hmmm... how feel you?
ANAKIN: Kinda cold.
YODA: Afraid are you?
ANAKIN: (smirks) Of you? No way!
YODA: What?! Judge me by my size, do you? Come over there and spank your rude little butt, I will. "Annie"!
The whole Council starts laughing. Anakin holds his head down, very upset. Then has another vision, again set far in the future. This time the guy in the black outfit has just rolled a thermal detonator into the Council Chamber. It explodes, making quite a mess. Anakin slowly raises his head, wearing a sinister smile, which starts to bother the Council members.
MACE: Uh, be mindful of your feelings.
KI-ADI: Your, uh, thoughts dwell on your mother.
ANAKIN: I miss her.
YODA: Afraid to lose her... I think, hmmm?
ANAKIN: (angrily) What's that got to do with anything?
YODA: Everything! Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger... anger leads to hate... hate leads to suffering! I sense much fear in you.
ANAKIN: (rolls eyes) Fear, anger, hate, suffering... yeah, right! Well check this out: you guys are really starting to "scare" me... and "piss" me off! I "hate" your guts! I hope you all "suffer" and die!! (Storms out of the room).
YODA: (looks over to Mace, smugly) Told ya so!
PALPATINE'S QUARTERS
Queen Amidala is staring out the window with Jar Jar. As the sun disappears, the lights of the city shimmer before them. The handmaidens stand near the door. Jar Jar senses the Queen's apprehension.
JAR JAR: Yousa tinken yousa people gonna die?
AMIDALA: Huh? Oh, yeah... that. (Thinking to herself "man, I can't believe BOTH earrings are missing!")
JAR JAR: Gungans gonna get pasted too, eh?
AMIDALA: I hope so... I mean, not.
JAR JAR: Gungans do die'n without a fight... weesa warriors. Weesa gotta grand army. Dat why you no liken us, meesa tinks.
AMIDALA: Actually, I could go down a list of reasons.
Senator Palpatine and Captain Panaka rush into the room and bow before the Queen.
PANAKA: Your Highness, Senator Palpatine has been nominated to succeed Valorum as Supreme Chancellor.
PALPATINE: A surprise, to be sure, but a welcome one. Your Majesty, if I am elected, I promise I will put an end to corruption... and buy you a new pair of earrings.
AMIDALA: What kind of earrings?
PALPATINE: Only the very best diamonds for Your Majesty.
AMIDALA: Well in that case, good luck! Who else has been nominated?
PANAKA: Bail Antilles of Alderaan and Ainlee Teem of Malastare.
PALPATINE: I feel confident our "situation" will create a strong sympathy vote for us. I will be Chancellor.
AMIDALA: I fear by the time you have control of the bureaucrats, Senator, there will be nothing left of our people, our way of life, our diamond mines...
PALPATINE: I understand your concern, Your Majesty. Unfortunately, the Federation has possession of our planet.
AMIDALA: Senator, this is your arena. I feel I must return to mine. I have decided to go back to Naboo.
PALPATINE: Go back?! But, Your Majesty, be realistic! They'll force you to sign the treaty!
AMIDALA: I will sign no treaty, Senator. Despite the risk, I must go back. I can no longer bear the thought of those slimy jerks rummaging through all my stuff! Captain!
PANAKA: Yes, Your Highness?
AMIDALA: Ready my ship.
PALPATINE: Please, Your Majesty, stay here where it's safe.
AMIDALA: It is clear to me now that the Republic no longer functions. I pray you will bring sanity and compassion back to the Senate. And keep an eye-out for my missing earrings, would you?
Amidala and her staff exit the room. Palpatine sadly watches them leave, then walks over to a mirror. He takes the earrings out of his pocket and puts them on. Then the Senator starts posing, with a self-satisfied smile on his face.
Return of the Jediman
Part Seven
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