Georgette's World Star Wars Pictures Humor -- Episode I Phantom Menace Movie Script Parody
The Queen and I
THEED PALACE - THE MAIN STAIRCASE
Queen Amidala, Sio Bibble, and the royal handmaidens are walking down the main staircase, surrounded by several armed battle droids. Captain Panaka and four Naboo guards follow behind at gunpoint. Nute and Rune walk beside the Queen.
BIBBLE: How will you explain this invasion to the Senate?
NUTE: The Queen and I wiiill sign a treeeaty that wiiill legiiitimize our occupaaation here. I've been assuuured it will be raaatified by the Seeenate.
AMIDALA: (confused) Huh? Oh, nevermind. Whatever it was you just said, I will not co-operate!
NUTE: Now, now, your Hiiighness. You are not goooing to like whaaat we have in stooore for your peeeople. In time, their suuuffering will peeersuade you to see our poooint of view. Commaaander. Prooocess them.
COMMANDER: Yes sir! (turns to his captain) Take them to Camp Four.
CAPTAIN: Roger roger.
AMIDALA: (whispers to Bibble) Isn't there something in the Geneva Convention about terms being discussed in a language you can understand?
BIBBLE: (scornfully) Geneva Convention?! What do you think this is, a NATO invasion?! (mumbling) Silly teenager!
The battle droids march the group out of the palace into the city plaza.
THE CITY PLAZA
The city plaza is filled with tanks and battle droids, which the prisoners pass on their way to the detention camp. Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Jar Jar sneak across on a walkway above the plaza and jump from a balcony, beginning an attack to rescue the Queen. Four battle droids are instantly cut down. More droids move forward and are also cut down by the Jedi's slashing lightsabers. Qui-Gon raises his hand and sends a couple of droids crashing into a wall. He and Obi-Wan then rush over to the Queen and guide her and the others around a corner, out of sight. Captain Panaka and his men pick up the battle droids' weapons and follow.
QUI-GON: (patronizingly) So, you're the Queen! Why, you're just a cute little teenager.
BIBBLE: (mumbling again) A silly teenager!
AMIDALA: (sarcastically) Well, they always told us you could NEVER fool a Jedi, 'cause they're like, "really, really smart".
QUI-GON: (smiles, until he realizes Amidala was mocking him; looks over to see Obi-Wan holding his head down quietly laughing; looks back at Amidala, rather embarrassed.) Uh, Your Highness, we uh, are the Ambassadors, for the uh, Supreme Chancellor.
BIBBLE: (snidely) Your negotiations seem to have failed, Ambassador.
QUI-GON: Look old man, the negotiations never took place! (To Amidala) Geez, old people these days! (notices Amidala staring at the gray in his beard) Uh, Your Highness, we must make contact with the Republic.
PANAKA: They've knocked out all our communications.
QUI-GON: Do you have transports?
PANAKA: In the main hangar. This way.
MAIN HANGAR
Captain Panaka cracks open a side door to the main hangar. Qui-Gon looks in over his shoulder. Obi-Wan, Jar Jar, and the rest of the group are behind him. They see several Naboo spacecraft guarded by a couple dozen battle droids. On the ground, near the ships, are seated several pilots, guards, and crew -- prisoners of the droids.
PANAKA: There are too many of them.
Obi-Wan looks over at Panaka, shaking his head pitifully.
QUI-GON: That won't be a problem. Your Highness, under the circumstances, I suggest you come to Coruscant with us.
AMIDALA: Thank you, Ambassador, but my place is here with my people.
QUI-GON: They will kill you if you stay.
BIBBLE: They wouldn't dare.
PANAKA: They need her to sign a treaty to make this invasion of theirs legal. They can't afford to kill her. Bibble here, on the other hand, might be considered somewhat expendable.
BIBBLE: (trembling, nervously whispers to Qui-Gon) Uh, you know, I haven't been to Coruscant in years! And I've got a lot of powerful friends there. Maybe I should be going instead of...
QUI-GON: You're a disgusting old man. (To Amidala) The situation here is not what it seems. There is something else behind all this, Your Highness. There is no logic in the Federation's move here. My feelings tell me they will destroy you.
BIBBLE: (trying not to look like a total coward) Please, Your Highness, reconsider. Our only hope is for the Senate to side with us. Senator Palpatine will need your help.
PANAKA: Getting past their blockade is impossible, Your Highness! Any attempt to escape will be dangerous!
OBI-WAN: Whoa, Captain! You are just being waaay too anxious, man. (Whispering) Want some Prozac? (Panaka looks at Obi-Wan like he's crazy and moves away from him) Okay, man... your loss (pops a couple of pills in his mouth).
BIBBLE: (still trying to save face with fake nobility) Your Highness, I will stay here and do what I can... they will have to retain the Council of Governors in order to maintain control. But you must leave!
The Queen turns to Padme.
AMIDALA: Either choice presents a great risk... to all of us.
PADME: We are brave, Your Highness.
QUI-GON: If you are to leave, Your Highness, it must be now.
AMIDALA: Then, I will plead our case before the Senate. Be careful Governor, and please... stop trembling!
The door opens wide to the main hangar. Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, Jar Jar, Captain Panaka, two guards, and the handmaidens enter, followed by the Queen, and head for a sleek chrome spacecraft.
PANAKA: We need to free those pilots (points to several pilots, ground crew, and guards held by six battle droids).
OBI-WAN: (grinning) Ha-Ha! I'll handle that! (swaggers toward the prisoners).
PANAKA: (to Qui-Gon, looking over at Obi-Wan) You sure he's ok? Just how long have you known him?
QUI-GON: You'd better enjoy this... he's even more unbearable once his medication wears off.
Qui-Gon, the Queen, Captain Panaka, Jar Jar, and the rest of the group approach the battle droid guards at the ramp of the chrome Naboo craft.
GUARD DROID: Halt! And just where do you think you're going?
QUI-GON: I'm Ambassador for the Supreme Chancellor and I'm taking these people to Coruscant.
GUARD DROID: That does not compute. Where did you say? I can't understand you.
QUI-GON: (folds arms) Right. You work for the Trade Viceroy, and YOU can't understand what I'M saying?
GUARD DROID: Oh, I see... a smart-a**. That's it, punk... you're under arrest!
The Guard Droid draws his weapon, but before any of the droids can fire, they are cut down. Other guards run to their aid. Obi-Wan is slicing and dicing droids while laughing. He and Qui-Gon free the pilots, guards and ground crew, some of whom rush on board the ship with the Queen and her staff, while others run over to Governor Bibble. Qui-Gon yells to Obi-Wan to get on board, but he's laughing so hard, the Jedi Master has to grab him and pull him onto the ship. The ship zooms out of the hangar, headed for space -- and into the waiting Federation battleship blockade.
NABOO SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT
The pilot, Ric Olie, navigates toward the massive main battleship, through a hail of laser fire, as Qui-Gon and Captain Panaka watch.
RIC OLIE: Our communications are still jammed!
NABOO SPACECRAFT - DROID HOLD
Jar Jar is led into a low, cramped room by Obi-Wan.
OBI-WAN: (still grinning) Now stay here and keep out of trouble... or else! (pulls robe back, exposing his lightsaber to Jar Jar).
JAR JAR: (nervously grins) Okie dokie!
Obi-Wan closes the door. Jar Jar looks around and sees a row of five short, dome-topped astro droids (R2 units). They all look alike, except for their paint color, and they all seem to be shut down.
JAR JAR: Ello, boyos. Disa wanna longo trip, hey?
Suddenly there is an explosion, shaking the ship violently, as the shield generator is hit. The droids are activated and roll out onto the ship's exterior, where they begin emergency repair work. One by one, they are picked off by laser fire until one blue droid completes the repair.
NABOO SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT
RIC OLIE: Powers back! That little droid did it. He bypassed the main power drive. Deflector shields up, at maximum.
The lone blue droid goes back into the ship. The Naboo spacecraft speeds away from the Federation battleship.
RIC OLIE: There's not enough power to get us to Coruscant... the hyperdrive is leaking.
QUI-GON: We'll have to land somewhere to refuel and repair the ship.
OBI-WAN: (studies a star chart on a monitor) Here, Master. Tatooine. It's small, out of the way, poor. The Trade Federation has no presence there.
PANAKA: How can you be sure?
Obi-Wan smirks at Panaka.
QUI-GON: It's controlled by the Hutts...
PANAKA: The Hutts? As in "Jabba the Hutt"?!
OBI-WAN: (Sarcastically) No, as in "Pizza the Hutt". Geez!
PANAKA: (ignoring Obi-Wan's lame remark) You can't take Her Royal Highness there! The Hutts are gangsters! If they discovered her...
QUI-GON: It would be no different than if we landed on a system controlled by the Federation... except the Hutts aren't looking for her, which gives us the advantage.
OBI-WAN: Yeah Captain, man... you really need to chill-out. (Starts waving his Prozac bottle at Panaka, while mouthing the words "want some?" Panaka leans back and places his hand on his gun while staring at Obi-Wan, who grins nervously and turns back around in his chair).
FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM
Nute and Rune sit at a conference table with a hologram of Darth Sidious.
NUTE: We controool all the cities in the Nooorth and are seeearching for any ooother settlemeeents...
DARTH SIDIOUS: What? Oh, yes, yes. Destroy all high-ranking officials, Viceroy, starting with that sniveling Bibble! And Queen Amidala, has she signed the treaty?
NUTE: She haaas... disappeeeared, My Looord. One Naboo cruuuiser got paaast the blockaaade.
DARTH SIDIOUS: What? Oh, yes, yes. WHAT?! You let her get away?! Viceroy, find her! I want that treaty signed!
NUTE: My Looord, it's impooossible to locaaate the ship. It's ooout of raaange.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Not for a Sith... (a second Sith Lord appears behind Darth Sidious, wearing sunglasses, chewing gum and shaking his head to some cheesy theme music, like something out of the WWF) Viceroy, this is my apprentice, Lord Maul. He will find your lost ship. (Turns to Maul and starts shaking his head to the music, as both holograms fade away).
NUTE: Yes, My Lord. (to Rune) This is getting out of hand... now there are two of them, with their own cheesy theme music.
RUNE: Yeah, that music really sucked! (turns on an 8-track tape and starts playing "The Bee-Gees' Greatest Hits", while disco dancing) Now THIS is music!
NUTE: Yeah! (joins in with Rune).
NABOO SPACECRAFT - QUEENS CHAMBERS
Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, Captain Panaka, and the little blue droid stand before Queen Amidala and her three handmaidens.
PANAKA: An extremely well put together little droid. Without a doubt, it saved the ship, as well as our lives.
AMIDALA: It is to be commended. What is its number?
The little blue droid lets out a series of bleeps. Captain Panaka leans over and scrapes some dirt off of the side of the droid and reads the number.
PANAKA: R2-D2, Your Highness.
AMIDALA: Thank you, R2-D2. Padme, clean this droid up as best you can. It deserves our gratitude. Continue, Captain.
Captain Panaka looks nervously to Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon.
QUI-GON: Your Highness, we are heading for a remote planet called Tatooine. It is a system far beyond the reach of the Trade Federation. There, we will be able to make needed repairs, then travel on to Coruscant.
PANAKA: I do not agree with the Jedi on this.
Obi-Wan again smirks and shakes his head at Panaka, who notices him and glares back.
QUI-GON: You must trust my judgment, Your Highness.
NABOO SPACECRAFT - MAIN AREA
Padme is in the Main Area, squatting next to R2-D2, while cleaning the droid. Jar Jar suddenly pops out of an open door.
JAR JAR: Hidoe!
PADME: (surprised, loses her balance and falls backward, flat on her butt) What the...!!
JAR JAR: Meesa Ja Ja Binksss!
PADME: (angrily) Do that again, I'll have you put to death! (nervously) Uh, that is, if I were Queen, I uh, would have you put to death. (Closes eyes, takes deep breath) Look, forget it. Just don't do that again! And whatever you might think, I am NOT the true Queen. (standing up) I'm Padme, I attend Her Highness. Uh, you're a Gungan, aren't you? (Jar Jar nods) How did you end up here with us?
JAR JAR: Me no know... meesa day starten pitty okeyday witda brisky morning munchen. Den boom... getten berry skeered, un grabbed dat Jedi, and before meesa knowen it... pow! Meesa here. (He shrugs) Getten berry berry skeered.
PADME: (confused) What? Oh, nevermind. You're not the only one who's been talking crazy today.
NABOO SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT
Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon and Captain Panaka watch over Ric Olie's shoulder. A large yellow planet appears directly ahead. Olie searches his scopes.
OBI-WAN: (bows down right next to Olie's face, after just having eaten a fried onion sandwich) That's it. Tatooine.
RIC OLIE: (irritated with Obi-Wan's onion breath) Yeah, I know! There's a settlement... a spaceport, looks like. (turns to Obi-Wan, sarcastically) Gee, you think you could get a little closer to my nose?! I'm still having trouble trying to figure out what you had for lunch!
OBI-WAN: Actually, it was this rather delightful fried onion sandwich I found in a backpack sitting under the console here...
RIC OLIE: Wow! What a coincidence! I had a fried onion sandwich in a backpack under the console. It was gonna be the only thing I had to eat all day!
OBI-WAN: (Belches, then stands up, embarrassed) Uh... excuse me (hastily exits the cockpit).
QUI-GON: (still looking out the window, oblivious to the previous discourse) Land near the outskirts. We don't want to attract any attention.
The Naboo spacecraft lands in the desert in a swirl of dust. The spaceport of Mos Espa is seen in the distance.
NABOO SPACECRAFT - MAIN AREA
Obi-Wan is working on the hyperdrive, still belching, when Qui-Gon walks in, wearing a poncho over his Jedi clothes.
OBI-WAN: The Hyperdrive generator is gone. We will need a new one.
QUI-GON: (frowns, looks up, sniffing) Well, that will complicate things a bit. What is that smell? (looks at Obi-Wan, who turns away, covering his mouth). Don't let them send any transmissions. Be wary... I smell, I mean, I sense a disturbance in the Force.
OBI-WAN: (hand still over mouth) I feel it also, Master.
QUI-GON: (holding nose) Man, it smells like a fried onion sandwich! I hate those things. People who eat them are disgusting! (Walks out of room).
OBI-WAN: (puts hand down and sticks tongue out at Qui-Gon) Elitist snob!
Qui-Gon quickly peeks around the door, still trying to catch Obi-Wan in the act. Obi-Wan just smiles back. Qui-Gon turns and walks away, joining R2-D2 and Jar Jar. They leave the ship to start their long journey across the desert toward the city of Mos Espa.
JAR JAR: Dis sun doen murder tada skin.
From the spaceship, Captain Panaka and Padme run toward them.
PANAKA: Wait!
The group turns and waits for the others to catch up. Padme is dressed in rough peasant's garb.
PANAKA: Her Highness commands you to take her handmaiden with you. She wishes for her to observe the local...
QUI-GON: No more commands from Her Highness today, Captain. This spaceport is not going to be pleasant.
PANAKA: The Queen wishes it. She is curious about the planet.
QUI-GON: (angrily at Padme) Oh crap! Come on then. And don't get too close to me!
MOS ESPA - MAIN STREET
QUI-GON: (looking around) This planet is made up of moisture farms for the most part, but also a few indigenous tribes and scavengers. The few spaceports like this one are havens for those who do not wish to be found.
PADME: Like us.
The little group continues to walk down the main street of Mos Espa. They pass dangerous looking citizens of all types. Padme looks around in awe at this environment, then eyes a Tusken Raider walking by.
RAIDER: Hey baby, what's a fine thing like you doing in a place like this?
PADME: (blushing) Oh... well, we're here to...
Qui-Gon steps over to investigate.
QUI-GON: Is there a problem here?
RAIDER: Not 'til you came over, chump!
QUI-GON: What did you call me?
RAIDER: I called you a low-life, sissified, two-bit chump! (Raises rifle).
Qui-Gon throws his poncho over one shoulder, exposing his lightsaber. He then takes out an old, half-chewed cigar and lights it, while staring at the Raider and without saying a word. The Raider becomes terrified at the sight of a Jedi acting like Clint Eastwood. He takes off running.
QUI-GON: (starts coughing, throws cigar down) You'd be amazed how many times that macho crap works. (Looks over to Padme, who's smiling at him with this star-struck, teenager-in-love look). Oh-no... we'd better get going, it's getting late.
Qui-Gon walks ahead, with Padme floating behind him. As Jar Jar nosily watches a couple arguing, he accidentally steps in deep dudu.
JAR JAR: Ooooh... icky... icky... goo. (wiping foot off) Dissen berry berry bad.
A Boy Called Annie
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