Georgette's World Star Wars Pictures Humor -- Episode I Phantom Menace Movie Script Parody
The Virgin Mom
CORUSCANT
Darth Sidious and Darth Maul walk out onto a balcony overlooking the endless horizon of Coruscant at night.
DARTH MAUL: (still wearing sunglasses, bumps into Darth Sidious) Ooops! Sorry, my Master.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Darn it, Maul! I've told you about wearing those things at night! Besides, they don't even look cool after sunset. They make you look like you're on drugs or something. Take them off immediately!
DARTH MAUL: Yes, my Master. (Removes glasses and starts squinting, trying to adjust his orange eyes to the balcony lights). Tatooine is sparsely populated. (Starts blinking) If the trace was correct, I will find them quickly, Master. (Starts rotating eyes, blinking wildly).
DARTH SIDIOUS: (looks at Maul) Move against the Jedi first... you will then have no difficulty taking the Queen back to Naboo to sign the treaty. (Starts blinking wildly in unison with Maul). Darn it, man! Stop doing that... you're freaking me out!
DARTH MAUL: (bows head) Sorry, my Master. (Stops blinking, looks back up to Sidious) At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have revenge.
DARTH SIDIOUS: You have been well trained, my young apprentice. They will be no match for you. (Notices Maul grinning at him, rapidly chewing gum) And must you chew gum? (Turns and walks back inside the apartment).
Maul frowns and takes the gum out of his mouth, sticking it under the balcony railing, just as he hears a voice calling out in the distance.
DARTH SIDIOUS: I saw that! Now dispose of it properly.
DARTH MAUL: Yes, my Master. (Takes gum off railing and puts it in a wrapper, while mumbling something rude).
MOS ESPA
The giant sandstorm engulfs the town, including the Naboo spaceship on the outskirts of the city center and the slave quarters, where drifts of sand begin building up against Anakin's hovel.
ANAKIN'S HOVEL - KITCHEN
Qui-Gon, Anakin, Jar Jar and Padme are seated around a table. Shmi is walking around the table serving a beverage as the wind howls outside.
SHMI: All slaves have transmitters placed inside their bodies somewhere.
ANAKIN: I've been working on a scanner trying to locate mine, but no luck.
SHMI: (sits down at table) Any attempt to escape...
ANAKIN: And they blow you up... BOOM!!! (Slams hand down on the table, just as Padme is drinking water).
PADME: (startled, spills water on herself) Darn it! Now look what you made me do!
JAR JAR: How wude.
ANAKIN: I'm sorry! Here, let me help you (grabs a towel and tries to wipe the water off Padme, who snatches the towel away).
PADME: (staring at Anakin while wiping water off herself) 9 1/2 years old, eh?
Anakin winks at Padme, who's no longer mad and smiles and winks back. She notices Shmi staring at both of them suspiciously.
PADME: (nervously) Uh, I can't believe there is still slavery in the galaxy. The Republic's anti-slavery laws...
SHMI: The Republic doesn't exist out here. We must survive on our own, however we can. (Looks Padme up and down) But I guess I don't have to tell YOU about hustling for a living (looks away while stroking her hair).
Padme sits in shock with her mouth wide open; Qui-Gon quietly snickers; Jar Jar has no clue what's going on. There's an awkward silence. Anakin attempts to end the embarrassing tension.
ANAKIN: Uh, has anybody ever seen a Podrace?
Jar Jar snatches some fruit from a bowl across the table with his tongue. Qui-Gon glares at him.
JAR JAR: (embarrassed) Ex-squeeze me.
QUI-GON: They have Podracing on Malastare. Very fast, very dangerous.
ANAKIN: I'm the only human who can do it.
QUI-GON: You must have Jedi reflexes if you race Pods.
Anakin smiles. Jar Jar attempts to snatch another bit of food from the bowl with his tongue, but Qui-Gon suddenly grabs it between his thumb and forefinger. He picks up a bottle of Louisiana "Gator-Killer" Hot Sauce and sprinkles it liberally on Jar Jar's tongue.
QUI-GON: There. That should teach you not to do that again.
Jar Jar's eyes get very big and start to water, as he grabs a cup. Qui-Gon grabs his hand.
QUI-GON: You'll drink when I say so.
Jar Jar reluctantly releases the cup.
ANAKIN: (eyeing Qui-Gon) You're a Jedi Knight, aren't you?
QUI-GON: What makes you think that?
Jar Jar grabs his throat and starts making gasping noises, but everyone just ignores him.
ANAKIN: I saw your laser sword. Only Jedi carry that kind of weapon.
Qui-Gon leans back and slowly smiles.
QUI-GON: Perhaps I killed a Jedi and stole it from him.
ANAKIN: I don't think so... no one can kill a Jedi.
QUI-GON: I wish that were so.
Jar Jar's eyes start rolling back, as he gets dizzy and starts swaying... still nobody pays him any attention.
ANAKIN: I had a dream I was a Jedi. I came back here and freed all the slaves. Have you come to free us?
QUI-GON: No, I'm afraid not.
ANAKIN: I think you have. Why else would you be here?
QUI-GON: (stares at Anakin for a moment) You know, you ask an awful lot of questions. When I was a kid, such behavior was considered very, very rude. (Stares off into space) I can still remember being punished... punished very, very severely... for asking too many prying, nosey questions. (looks at Shmi, who's watching him nervously) Parents these days... they just let their kids run wild, doing whatever they like, with no respect for authority, no manners. Maybe it's the parents who should be punished... punished very, very severely. (Shmi slowly picks up a butter knife and holds it down to her side). Yes... (now staring at Shmi in a trance) You look like you need to be punished... punished very, very severely.
The room is filled with a prolonged, surreal tension, that's finally broken when Jar Jar passes out into his dinner plate, making a loud crashing noise. Everyone is startled.
QUI-GON: (snaps out of whatever he was in) Uh... uh... where was I? Oh yeah. Uh... we're on our way to Coruscant, the central system in the Republic, on a very important mission.
ANAKIN: (cautiously) Oh, yeah, Coruscant... wow. (to Padme, asking her the questions this time) how did you end up here in the outer rim?
PADME: Our ship was damaged and we're stranded here until we can repair it.
ANAKIN: I can help! I can fix anything!
QUI-GON: (splashes a cup of water in Jar Jar's face) I believe you can, but our first job is to acquire the parts we need.
JAR JAR: (starts moaning in his plate, then looks up with food all over his face; Qui-Gon hands him a cup of water) O tanks! (Gulps water down, then starts licking the food off his face with his tongue, as the others watch perplexed and disgusted).
QUI-GON: Uh... as I was saying, our first job will be to acquire the parts we need...
JAR JAR: Wit no-nutten mula to trade.
PADME: These junk dealers must have a weakness of some kind.
SHMI: (still watching Qui-Gon and clutching the butter knife) Gambling. Everything here revolves around betting on those awful races.
QUI-GON: Pod racing. Greed can be a powerful ally.
ANAKIN: I've built a racer! It's the fastest ever. There's a big race tomorrow, on Boonta Eve. You could enter my Pod.
SHMI: Anakin, Watto won't let you.
ANAKIN: Watto doesn't know I've built it. (points to Qui-Gon) You could make him think it's yours and you could get him to let me pilot it for you.
SHMI: I don't want you to race, it's awful. I die every time Watto makes you do it.
ANAKIN: But Mom, I love it. The prize money would more than pay for the parts they need.
SHMI: Anakin...
QUI-GON: (sighs) Your mother's right. (angrily looks at Shmi) Is there anyone "else" friendly to the Republic who can help us?
SHMI: Well in your case, there's this therapist who might be able to help you with your not-so-repressed feelings of anger.
QUI-GON: (angrily) I don't need any stupid shrink! Who do you think I am, Obi-Wan?!
SHMI: (confused) Obi-who?
QUI-GON: Not "Obi-who"... Obi-Wan! Darn it woman, you sure can't deny that you're as dim as a burnt-out light bulb!
SHMI: (standing) Oh, so now you're gonna start lecturing ME on denial? That's it! (Raises butter knife toward Qui-Gon).
QUI-GON: (looking at the butter knife) Oh now what? No more groin kicks? What are you gonna do, butter me to death? (Stands and starts walking over to Shmi). Give me that thing before somebody gets hurt!
SHMI: (backing up, pointing knife at Qui-Gon) Get back! Don't make me use this!
Qui-Gon stops and Shmi won't put the knife down. It's a stand-off... until Padme can't take it any longer.
PADME: Enough of this crap!! (Walks over and karate chops the back of Shmi's neck, dropping her to the floor). This scene was just going on waaay too long and getting sillier by the minute. Now Qui-Gon, get your butt back over there and sit down! (Qui-Gon, stunned, slowly takes his seat). You... Jar Jar. Stop drinking all that water before you start running to the bathroom every five minutes, causing even further delays on the set! (Looks over at Anakin) Come here, you! (Anakin nervously walks over to Padme). Here, take this towel and wet it, then put it over your mother's head until she comes to. (Looks off set and points) And you, Lucas... sit down!! I'm running this show now!
Anakin puts the towel over Shmi's head and she starts groaning. He and Padme help her to her chair.
SHMI: (dazed) What happened? Ow, my neck is killing me! (starts rubbing neck).
PADME: Nevermind that. Now look people, we need to get back on track and stop deviating from the script. Now, where were we. Oh yeah, Shmi, Qui-Gon just asked you if there was anyone friendly to the Republic. You shake your head no and... (a voice is heard protesting in the distance). Darn it, George!! I thought I told you to sit down!! And shut up!! I'm doing this now! What?! (the voice is still heard complaining off set) Look, don't make me come over there! Alright, then! (turns and faces the others at the table) Now, is everybody ready? Okay... and... ACTION!!!
SHMI: (shakes her head no) No, there is no one.
ANAKIN: (sadly) Mom... you said that the biggest problem in the universe is no one helps each other.
SHMI: (still rubbing back of neck) Anakin...
PADME: Look, I'm sure Qui-Gon doesn't want to put your son in danger. We'll find some other way.
SHMI: No, there is no other way. I may not like it, but he can help you. He was meant to help you.
Qui-Gon, still watching Padme, finally looks away at Anakin with this "could he be the chosen one?" look on his face.
MOS ESPA - JUNK DEALER PLAZA
The storm has passed. Vendors and Street People clean up the mess and rebuild their food stalls. Jar Jar sits on a box in front of Watto's junk shop, watching all the activity with growing nervousness. R2-D2 is standing next to him. Padme follows Qui-Gon, then stops, as he is about to enter the shop.
PADME: Are you sure about this? Trusting our fate to a boy we hardly know. The Queen will not approve.
QUI-GON: The Queen does not need to know.
PADME: (pouts) Well, I don't approve.
QUI-GON: Awww... you're sooo cute when you start pouting (pinches Padme's cheek, until she slaps his hand away; he laughs, then turns and goes into the shop).
WATTO'S JUNK SHOP
Qui-Gon walks over Watto and Anakin.
WATTO: The boy tells me you wanta sponsor him insa race. How can you do this? Not on Republic credits,I think (laughs).
QUI-GON: (sarcastically) Oh, ha, ha... my aren't we funny today (rolls eyes). My ship will be the entry fee.
Qui-Gon pulls a small object that looks like a watch out of his pocket and a hologram of the Naboo spacecraft appears about a foot long in front of Watto. He studies it.
WATTO: Not bad, not bad. Nubian, huh?
QUI-GON: It's in good order, except for the parts we need.
WATTO: But what would the boy ride? He smashed up my Pod in the last race. It will take some long time to fix it.
ANAKIN: Uh... it wasn't my fault, really. Sebulba flashed me with his vents. I actually saved the Pod... mostly.
WATTO: (laughing) That you did. The boy is good, no doubts there.
QUI-GON: I have acquired a Pod in a game of Scrabble... "the fastest ever built."
WATTO: I hope you didn't cheat anyone I know for it. (laughs) So, you supply the Pod and the entry fee; I supply the boy. We split the winnings 50-50 I think, huh?
QUI-GON: Whoa, whoa... 50-50?! Why you little... if it's gonna be 50-50, YOU'RE fronting the cash for the entry! If we win, you keep all the winnings, minus the cost of the parts we need. If we lose, you keep my ship.
Watto thinks about this.
QUI-GON: Geez, what's to think about here? Either way, you win, you idiot.
WATTO: Deal! (slaps Qui-Gon's hand; the Jedi smiles and leaves the shop). (subtitled) Yo bana pee ho-tah, meedee ya. ("Your friend is a foolish one, methinks.")
NABOO SPACECRAFT - TATOOINE DESERT
Obi-Wan stands in the main hold of the Naboo spacecraft, speaking into his comlink to Qui-Gon, who is on the back porch of the hovel.
OBI-WAN: What if this plan fails, Master? We could be stuck here for a long time.
QUI-GON: Well, it's too dangerous to call for help. And a ship without a power supply will not get us anywhere. And... there's something about this boy.
OBI-WAN: Uh, well... my offer to dance for cash still stands Master, if you... (hears loud click noise). Hello?
MOS ESPA - SLAVE QUARTERS - PORCH
Qui-Gon puts the comlink away as Shmi comes onto the porch. Padme, Anakin, Jar Jar, C-3PO and R2-D2 work on the engines of the Podracer in the courtyard below.
QUI-GON: You should be proud of your son. He gives without any thought of reward.
SHMI: (upset) How do you know? Did you ask him if he wanted a reward? Or did you just plan on keeping all the winnings for yourself, you greedy...
QUI-GON: (upset) What's the matter with you, woman? Why are you trippin' like this? Ever since I set foot in this house, you've done nothing but attack me! Why?!
SHMI: (wryly) Oh, I don't know. I guess I just don't get that warm fuzzy feeling for angry guys who think I need to be punished severely. I'm kinda funny that way.
QUI-GON: Oh, that. Look, maybe you're right. Maybe I should see somebody about my anger. Either that or start taking some of Obi-Wan's "happy pills". (nervously smiles at Shmi, who isn't smiling back) Uh, anyway, I sense there's something else bothering you. Something from the past. Something that directly involves me. (moves closer to Shmi) There is something familiar about you... and the boy. It's weird, like we've met before or something. (Shmi turns away but Qui-Gon puts his hand on her shoulder and turns her back around) And Anakin... he has special powers.
SHMI: Yes.
QUI-GON: He can see things before they happen. That's why he appears to have such quick reflexes. It is a Jedi trait.
SHMI: Yes. He obviously inherited his Jedi powers.
QUI-GON: The Force is unusually strong with him, that much is clear. Who was his father?
SHMI: (Turns away again. Qui-Gon stands very close behind her. She looks off in a dream-like state and smiles) It was over 10 years ago... Ladies Night at the Mos Eisley Cantina. Me and a couple of friends were having a few drinks. We were having a great time getting wasted. Then, I saw him... this young, tall, blue-eyed stud muffin standing across the room, staring at me. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Well, one thing led to another and... I was pretty drunk. I never even knew who he was, except that he was a Jedi Knight, who promised to return and marry me the following day.
QUI-GON: (looks away, stunned, thinking out loud) I said that? (to Shmi) I mean, HE said that? So... HE must be the father then.
SHMI: (turns and faces Qui-Gon) NO!!! There was no father! I carried him, I gave birth, I raised him... that's it! I felt so humiliated and "used" when that Jedi jerk didn't come back. I didn't want my anger and pain to become Anakin's, so I made-up this "no father" crap. (with a crazed look) I'm his "Virgin Mom" and I'm telling you -- no, warning you -- that there was no father! Get it?!
QUI-GON: Yeah, I'm getting it alright... you're nuts! I'm taking him away with me. Had he been born in the Republic, I would have found him long ago and he would have become a Jedi, like his father. Maybe it's not too late, if I take him now.
SHMI: (smirks) So, what's your plan, Jedi-man? You gonna steal him away in the night? And as soon as Watto finds out, BOOM!!! My kid's gonna be splattered from here to eternity!
QUI-GON: (worriedly) Hmmm... I forgot about the transmitter. There's got to be another, less messy way.
Shmi and Qui-Gon stare out into the courtyard, watching Anakin. Kitster (a young boy about Anakin's age), Seek (a boy of ten), Amee (a girl of six), and Wald (a Greedo Type, six years old), join Anakin, Jar Jar, R2-D2, C-3PO and Padme, securing some wiring.
KITSTER: Wow, a real Astro Droid! How'd you get so lucky?
ANAKIN: This isn't the half of it. I'm entered in the Boonta Race tomorrow!
KITSTER: What? With this?!
WALD: (subtitled) Annie, Jesko na joka. ("You are such a joker, Annie.")
ANAKIN: (walks over to Wald and angrily starts poking him in the chest) I told you to stop calling me "Annie"!
AMEE: You've been working on that thing for years... it's not gonna run.
SEEK: Come on you guys, he's always been such a big stupid weirdo! Let's go play ball. Keep it up, "Annie", and you're gonna be bug squash!
Seek, Wald and Amee take off, laughing. Anakin is upset and starts to have a vision, set far in the future. Seek has become a high-ranking military official, who's just been mouthing off to some guy in a strange black outfit. Then the guy uses some special powers and Seek begins choking. Anakin grins, as he watches little Seek run off with the other kids.
ANAKIN: (turns and notices Jar Jar standing by the energy binder plates) Hey! Jar Jar! Keep away from those energy binders.
JAR JAR: Who, meesa?
ANAKIN: If your hand gets caught in that beam, it will go numb for hours.
Jar Jar clumsily drops a tool on the ground. As he bends down to retrieve it, his head gets caught in the energy beam and he's zapped. Jar Jar jerks and tosses the tool into the afterburner. He tries to speak, but his tongue hangs limply out of his mouth and his words are garbled.
KITSTER: You don't even know if this thing's gonna run.
ANAKIN: It will.
As Jar Jar tries to retrieve the tool again, his hand becomes stuck in the afterburner. Qui-Gon walks up to Anakin and hands him a small battery.
QUI-GON: Here, my son. I think it's time we found out. Here's the power charge.
Anakin jumps into the little pod behind the two giant engines. He puts the power pack into the dashboard. Everyone backs away, except for Jar Jar who calls for help. Unfortunately, Padme hears him and frees him. Then the engines ignite with a roar. Everyone cheers.
ANAKIN: IT'S WORKING!!! IT'S WORKING!!!
Watching from the porch, Shmi smiles, then looks worried, as she wonders if Qui-Gon is going to open his big mouth... just like she did earlier.
A Day at the Races
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