Episode I: The Quest (Part I)
Georgette's World
~Three years before The Phantom Menace saga~
Jedi knight Qui-Gon Jinn is in hot pursuit of a sinister-looking creature, chasing him from the Galactic Senate building through the busy streets of Coruscant. He finally catches the creature, who puts up a fight until Qui-Gon knocks him out cold. The Jedi stands over him, breathing heavily. "There! That oughta teach you to mess with me!"
Three other Jedi run up to Qui-Gon. They look down at the pulverized being on the street. "Oh no! Not again, Qui-Gon!", bemoans one of the Jedi as the others try to help the creature.
"What do you mean, 'Oh no'?! That freak was patting me all over my butt!"
"Qui-Gon, he's a Galactic Senate undercover security guard and he was checking you for weapons before allowing you inside the building! Didn't you read the inter-office memo regarding tightened security at the Senate?"
"What inter-office memo? C'mon, you know I never read those stupid things!" He looks down at the mangled creature sprawled on the ground. "Crap! Poor slob... I didn't know. It's not my fault!"
"Look Qui-Gon, this is the third unprovoked attack in two weeks. You'd better get your act together or you'll be out of the Academy for good!"
"What?!" Qui-Gon grabs the other Jedi by the collar. "You wanna piece of me?!" The Jedi snatches his collar away, glaring at Qui-Gon. "This is what I mean, Qui-Gon. Your overly-defensive, hot and quick temper! We've had more citizen complaints about you in one month than the rest of us have had in 7 years! I think it's time you went to Yoda... before he comes to you!"
The security guard begins to stir. He holds his head while moaning. Then he opens his eyes and looks right up at Qui-Gon. "AAAHHH!!! Get him away from me! Please, don't let him hurt me again! He's crazy!"
Later that evening, Qui-Gon arrives at the Jedi Temple. He slowly walks to the entrance, very apprehensive. He stops and blankly stares down at the ground. The Jedi knight mumbles something, closes his eyes and takes a long, weary breath. Then he slowly gazes up to the top of the Temple, to the Council Chamber. After hesitating a few more moments, he enters the building.
The huge doors of the empty Council Chamber open and Jedi Master Yoda enters. He is followed by Qui-Gon, who pauses in the center of the room as Yoda takes his council seat. "Many years have I sat upon this chair. Many Jedi have I seen come and go. Some, in battle they were lost. Others, by their own hand, as they surrendered to the Dark Side. Afraid am I, that you might suffer the latter fate." Qui-Gon looks away from Yoda. "Tell me, Qui-Gon, what think you of your future here?" Qui-Gon glances back at Yoda and struggles to speak. "Master Yoda. Sometimes... I feel that I do great things and help many people. But then, some little punk crosses me and I just lose it. I just don't know how... or why..." Qui-Gon pauses and lowers his head. "Master Yoda, I don't know what my future is here. You must tell me what it will be."
"Qui-Gon, great distress have you brought upon the Council. An unfortunate time for this, as the Senate is voting on our budget for the next fiscal year. Those tightwads look for any excuse to reduce our allowance, they do!" Yoda starts mumbling something very rude. When he notices Qui-Gon's puzzled look, he clears his throat and continues. "Anyway, realize we do, that a powerful Jedi are you... powerful Jedi. Exceedingly strong with the Force, you are. Lose you to the Dark Side, we do not want. Therefore, expel you, we will not. Instead, away we will send you to find an apprentice. Someone on whom you can focus your energies and be not so consumed with yourself or your emotions. Someone you will nurture and prepare to be a Jedi knight someday. And, Qui-Gon, you must find this apprentice and bring him before us three weeks from today... no more... no less. Should he not find favor amongst the Council members, then into a desk job down at the mailroom, you must go."
Qui-Gon stares at Yoda perplexed and dismayed. "Three weeks? A worthy apprentice in just three weeks?! What kind of b.s. is..." Qui-Gon notices the frown on Yoda's face. "Uh... sorry, Master Yoda. It's just that... one could spend an entire lifetime on such a quest."
"Yes", Yoda nods. "Yes, I suppose one could. Oh well." Yoda leaves his seat and walks out of the room as Qui-Gon watches, stunned. As the doors close behind the old Jedi master, Qui-Gon mumbles something very rude.
Early the next morning, the Jedi knight is on a galactic shuttle, staring out the window and devising a cunning plan. "Three weeks, eh?", he thinks to himself. "Right! I'll show them. All I have to do is find some two-bit cheesy actor, teach him a few mind tricks, a little acrobatics and swordplay, then bring him back to Coruscant. I mean, how hard could that be? Qui-Gon, my man, that's a plan!" Qui-Gon reclines in his seat with a self-satisfied smile on his face.
The shuttle lands on the planet of Taboo, one of the most famous resort spots in the Galaxy. Here, one can find almost any entertainment imaginable. Qui-Gon smiles as he disembarks the shuttle, confident that he will find just the right guy for the part. An entire planet filled with performers. "I feel like a Jawa in a droid factory", the Jedi quips to himself. He checks into a small hotel room and changes out of his Jedi robes into plain clothes; then shaves his beard and trims his hair a little. Qui-Gon is ready to begin his quest for an apprentice.
The Jedi knight is walking down the main street of one of the more sleazy theater districts. He figures that this would be just the kind of place to find an actor who would do anything for almost nothing. Someone who would even consider staying on at the Jedi Academy just to get three square meals a day. Someone who'd no longer be ashamed to tell his relatives what he actually did for a living. "Yeah, piece of cake", Qui-Gon whispers to himself.
The Jedi is observing the various street performers, occasionally peeking thru theater doors to catch a glimpse of a play in progress, hoping to find the "ideal, artistic" apprentice. After a few hours, his feet are beginning to ache, so he decides to rest for a little while, away from the noisy crowds. He heads down an isolated alleyway. Qui-Gon hears two voices arguing and stealthily moves in to investigate. From behind a large crate, he spies a man on his knees, bound and being held by a woman.
"C'mon Skaarla! You know I'm good for it! Give me a break, love!"
"Hmmm, that's funny... Meeshiin said he wanted me to 'break' you in half if you didn't have his money. And unless you can produce 4,000 in thirty seconds, you're history." The woman grabs his shirt, as the man continues to plead.
"Look baby... let's go away...far, far away... together. I can get better gigs. I'll make more money. Then I can give you three times as much as Meeshiin's paying you!" The woman smiles back at the man. "Forget it, loser. I never liked you anyway. You pretty boys are all alike... stuck-up and reckless. I'm actually gonna enjoy doing this job." She releases his shirt and slowly backs away while pulling out a small blaster. "Oh baby...", the man closes his eyes tightly and begins to sing. The woman pauses and gently smiles. "My favorite song. Always the great performer, you. Maybe if you'd never come here, you'd be a star by now. Instead, no one will even remember your name in 48 hours. Goodbye... Ben Kenobi." She aims her blaster at the man, just as Qui-Gon yells "NOOOOOO!!!" The woman spins around and fires at the Jedi, who deflects the laser blasts with his lightsaber, striking her down. The man is stunned as he watches Qui-Gon walk over and check the woman's pulse. The Jedi sighs as he releases her hand. Then he looks over at the frightened man, "You okay?"
The young man is dazed and trembling as he speaks. "Yeah. Uhhh... who, who are you? What are you doing here? Is she... dead?"
Qui-Gon walks over to the man and starts untying him. "I'm Qui-Gon Jinn. I'm here on official business. And yes... she's quite dead". He helps the young man to his feet. "I heard her say that your name is Ben Kenobi and that you're a performer. Is this true?"
"Yes, that's right. I'm an actor, singer, dancer, and occasional game show contestant." Kenobi stares nervously at Qui-Gon. "Oh no, you're not another... bounty-hunter, are you? 'Cause I really can get the cash... I just need a little bit more time to..."
"Oh please, I'm not a..." Qui-Gon pauses and thinks for a moment. "Uh... that is to say, I'm not in any big hurry. I'm sure we can work-out some kind of arrangement here." Qui-Gon puts his arm around Kenobi, who starts smiling. "Oh. Oh yeah, gotcha. You wanna go back to my place, or...?"
"What?!" Qui-Gon pulls back from Kenobi and points in his face. "Listen you, let's get something straight... I mean 'clear'! Ours is strictly a business relationship, get it? Now pay attention. You're gonna pay back this debt to Meeshiin in a very special way. He doesn't really want you dead, you know."
"Really?!" Kenobi turns to the woman on the ground. "You mean that cow over there lied to me?" He sticks his tongue out at her, then turns back to Qui-Gon.
"Yes. Fortunately, I followed her here and prevented her from carrying out her evil deed."
Kenobi looks surprised at Qui-Gon. "You mean you were here all this time?"
The Jedi nervously replies. "Well, yes... of course."
"She tied me up and was kicking my butt all over this alleyway for over an hour before pulling out that blaster. You mean you just sat there the whole time watching?!" Kenobi's getting angry. "Thanks a lot, man!" He turns and starts to walk away.
"Hey, you!" Qui-Gon grabs Kenobi by the shoulder. "Look, maybe I went to get something to eat or got distracted or something. Anyway, you're still alive, she isn't. So shut your yap while I tell you how you're gonna handle your massive debt problem. Now Meeshiin is a great lover of the arts, that's why he conducts so much 'business' in this town. Unfortunately, some misinformed people get the wrong ideas about him. They say he's a grifter, a gambler, a drug dealer, a smuggler, a pi... well, you get the idea. Anyway, he's tired of all the bad press and wants to clean-up his image a bit. So he's producing a major motion picture to be shown at theaters across the galaxy. It will be a great, uplifting saga about a brave and noble hero, who travels the galaxy righting all wrongs. I'm Meeshiin's production assistant and my job is to find the right guy for the lead role. I mentioned your name to him and I think he's sold on you. That's why I followed you here tonight."
Kenobi looks puzzled at Qui-Gon. "Wait a minute... I thought you said you followed Skaarla here."
Qui-Gon nervously laughs and slaps Kenobi on the back, hard, knocking him off balance. "Look, what difference does it make 'whom' I followed? You're gonna be a superstar. Now c'mon, let's go. We've got a lot of work to do to get you ready for your big role!"
Qui-Gon and Kenobi are leaving the alleyway...
just as two sinister-looking creatures block their path.
Next Time...
Episode II:
The Quest (Part II)
| Episode Two: The Quest (Part II) | Episode Three: Judgement Day | ||
| Episode Four: School Daze | Episode Five: Second Chance |
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This Star Wars parody series was created by and started on 11/21/99 by ~kwawin